The Book of Retribution
by JacindaWeire
Summary: It all started with Axel stealing Zexion's lexicon, and it just blew up into a bigger mess from there. The inner-goings of the Organization are revealed, fangirls invade, Squall Leonhart vainly tries to steal the show, and Cloud broods in the corner. Meanwhile, Zexion and Roxas find solace in their emo corner, and Axel burns things. Demyx is just a water baby.
1. The Lexicon's Voice

**Ever wonder what Axel would do with Zexion's Lexicon? Ever wonder about the Lexicon, period? My version of Zexion's Lexicon, enjoy! I do not own Kingdom Hearts.**

Axel was hiding out in Marluxia's garden under a bush of red roses reading Zexion's Lexicon. Axel strokes the cover smugly, he was successful in taking the Lexicon, and right from under Zexion's nose. He smirked to himself while flipping through the pages, "Ha! Zexion will never look out here. He hates Marluxia with a passion...it says right here."

_Marluxia put together bouquets of roses and left them on every windowsill, table, and flat surface in the castle. I burned the bouquets he left in my room and the library. The smell was making me sick. That was a bad idea though, it released a sickly rose smell into the air...I must scheme my revenge._

**It is not written that Zexion hates Marluxia, Axel**_**. **_

Axel freaks out and scrambles out from under the bush of roses, "What the hell was that?"

**It is me Axel, the Lexicon. **

Axel's eyes widen, "Whoa, Zexy's book speaks?"

***sigh* Yes, Axel.**

"Wait...does Zexion know this?" Axel asks.

**Of course, how do you think Zexion received the nickname "The Cloaked Schemer"?**

"Ah, so your the mastermind behind Zexion." Axel says inquisitively. "That's some good blackmail material. So, if you're really the Lexicon you must know what Zexion wrote..."

**Yes, of course, but I don't get your point.**

"Oh, come on! Did Zexion write _anything_ juicy? Some scandalous gossip would be nice. Anything racy. I can't find anything interesting in this book, it has like twelve-hundred pages." Axel whines.

**Your definition of interesting must be different than mine...Check page 652.**

Axel hurriedly flips to the said page...and pukes in a nearby bed of pink roses. "Ugh! I can't believe Zexion can read minds."

**Really? I thought it was obvious.**

"Why would he read Xigbar's mind?" Axel asked, still shuddering.

**Zexion was deeply disturbed when he gazed into Xigbar's mindscape. That is why he wrote his account in the Lexicon.**

"Ah. Wait, did you say Lexicon? I thought you were the Lexicon."

**I was referring to the material Lexicon you hold in your hands, I am the spirit of the Lexicon.**

Axel didn't answer, he just sat on the grass beside the rose patch with a confused looked on his face.

**Don't strain yourself.**

Axel looked up in annoyance. "Anyway, is there anything else interesting in this book?"

**That is a broad subject. **

"Okay, anything juicy that's not wrong...like Xigbar's mind." Axel finished.

**Well, there is a section in the book containing chapters on all of Organization XIII's members.**

Axel smiled wickedly, "Perfect. What page?"

**892.**

_Xemnas, the Superior. _

_Wepon:Ethereal Blades, wields the power of nothingness_

Axel flips to the next chapter, bored. "Ah! Skipping Xigbar." Axel finds himself at chapter eight in his frenzy to escape the chapter on Xigbar. "Oh, what did Zexion write about me?" Axel says and smirks evilly.

_Axel, the Flurry of Dancing Flames._

_Weapon:Chakrams, wields the power of fire_

_Axel is well known as the psychopathic pyro around the castle. He apparently owns the rights to the phrase "Got it memorized?" in eight worlds._

Axel smirks and mutters, "Yeah, eight worlds, Zexion. Got it memorized?" He flips past the chapters on Demyx, Luxord, Marluxia(Whose chapter is filled with hidden hate messages in between the lines.), and Larxene. "Ah, finally, Roxas."

_Roxas, the Key of Destiny_

_Weapon:Keyblade_

_Roxas is in a close friendship with Axel and Xion. He often goes to Twilight Town after a mission and eats sea-salt ice cream with them. Roxas is the key to Kingdom Hearts for he is the only member of the Organization who can collect hearts other than Xion._

"Roxas and me are close friends?" Axel asks nobody in particular.

**That is merely an opinion statement. **

"What pages are Zexion's diary entries on?" Axel asks the Lexicon.

The Lexicon seems to answer with great reluctance, **From page 500 to page 1000.**

Axel flips eagerly to the pages and starts reading the entries with vigor.

He smirks occasionally, but is otherwise silent as he reads Zexion's personal diary.

**Axel.**

"Yes?" Axel asks while reading.

**You hid out here in Marluxia's garden to avoid Zexion. Did you ever think of any of the other garden's visitors?**

"No one comes out here except Marly."

**What if Marluxia came out to the garden, should you even be here?**

"That's why I hid in the bush." Axel answers, distracted. Not realizing that he is sitting next to the bush, in the line of sight of any random passerby.

**Axel, look behind you.**

Axel huffs but looks behind him. Marluxia is tending to the roses in the middle of the garden, Axel is sitting in the northern corner.

The Flurry of Dancing Flames curses and scrambles under the rose bush with the Lexicon. "Can Marly hear you?" Axel whispers to the Lexicon.

**Only the holder of the book hears my voice.**

Axel visibly relaxes, relived that the Lexicon wasn't heard. He'd have many questions to answer about that.

The Graceful Assassin waltzes gracefully (hence his nickname) to the bush Axel hides under. He strokes the roses and whispers sweet nothings to them. Axel silently shudders. The roses become more vibrant in color. The red roses turning blood red and the stems becoming bright green.

_This is crazy!_ Axel thinks as newly grown green vines twine in his hair. Marluxia walks away in the opposite direction of Axel's corner. Axel burns the vines out of his hair angrily. The smell of roses is so heady that the smoke-smell is covered up and not noticed. Axel crawls out from under the bush and peeks over the barrier of roses to see that Marluxia is preoccupied with his rare rose in the opposite corner.

Axel snatches the Lexicon from under the thorns while muttering profanities under his breath. He stealthy sneaks back to the castle by staying below the wall of roses and not making a sound.

**Yay! First chappie has been completed! Hope it was good, tell me by...REVIEWING! (hint,hint) D**


	2. Zexion's Daily Goal

**I hope the characters aren't too out of character. (But, hey, it's a parody. So, I have an excuse to make them out of character sometimes, and this chapter is all about OOCness) Thank you _zexion's lover_ for my first review. I do not own Kingdom Hearts.**

Axel walked into the grey area looking for Zexion. He had decided to give the Lexicon back (Only because he had finished reading all the diary entries last night.) A scream pierced the air.

"Just tell me where it is, Vexen. It'll be less painful that way." Zexion was saying to the screaming Vexen. "Go, ahead and hit him one more time." he directed to a figure standing next to him.

Larxene laughed evilly and swiped at Vexen with her knives.

"I don't have it! I don't have it!" Vexen said in between screams of pain.

"Don't lie to me! I know you have the Lexicon!" Zexion snarled.

Axel stopped walking and cursed under his breath, he didn't realize that Zexion would go _that_ far to get his book back.

Zexion scowled, "He's telling the truth. We're done for tonight, Larxene." He handed Larxene a thick wad of munny.

Larxene walked out of the grey area cackling madly and stroking the munny.

Axel slid the Lexicon under a couch and walked over to Zexion who was staring off into space with an expression of distaste.

"Hey, Zexion. I heard you lost something." Axel said nervously.

Zexion looked at Axel sharply, his gaze as sharp as ice, "What do you know about it?"

"Well, I might have some information concerning it. But I'll only tell you if you swear on your library not to kill me."

"My library...might be too risky, but you have me intrigued." Zexion mused.

"That's the only way I'll tell you." Axel said firmly.

"Okay, fine. I swear on my library that I won't kill you." Zexion said, twitching.

Axel sighed, relieved and retrieved the Lexicon from it's hiding space.

Zexion seized the book before Axel could hand it to him and hugged it tight to him. He murmured nonsense and stroked the spine.

Axel shuddered and adverted his eyes, it was almost (_almost_) as bad as Marly and his roses.

After the reunion between Zexion and the Lexicon was over Axel spoke. "Yeah, well, I figured out that the Lexicon speaks," Axel said awkwardly.

"Dang it..." Zexion moaned.

"Yeah, well, so you can really read minds?" Axel asked eagerly.

"You read my diary!" Zexion said, distressed and wide-eyed.

"Yup!" Axel said cheerfully and snickered, basking in Zexion's obvious woe.

Zexion shuffled to his emo corner and slumped into fetal position, moaning silently.

Axel snickered and burned random pieces of paper while waiting.

"Ooh, look, it's Saix's planner." Axel said mischievously. He flipped through the pages filled with completed and future missions. Axel flashed a wicked smile and burned the book. He idly burned through the stack of papers on the coffee table.

Finally, Zexion left the comfort of his corner and sat on the couch across from Axel.

"Enjoy your time-out, Emo boy?" Axel asked snidely.

Zexion glared at Axel, "_Tacere_." A small orb of grey light zipped out of the cover of the Lexicon and formed a band around Axel's mouth. Zexion smirked at his victory and then he started to read the Lexicon.

After over a half hour of struggling with his bonds, Axel finally started attacking Zexion. Flames burst into existence over his fist and he punched Zexion's jaw.

Zexion snarled and kicked Axel back on the couch. "_Ligare_," Zexion commanded. A globe of golden light formed a rope around Axel's hands and feet.

Axel made vain attempts to burn the rope but the fire would not penetrate the unearthly light. He finally gave up and just sat glaring at Zexion.

Zexion continued reading with a smug expression.

Roxas walks into the grey area licking a bar of sea-salt ice cream. "Hey, Zexion. Hey, Axel," Roxas says walking up to them. "Whoa, what happened to you," Roxas asks Axel when he sees the bonds.

Axel squirms.

"_Dicere_," Zexion commanded. The metal band around Axel's mouth liquified and disappeared into the cover of the Lexicon. "_Liberi_," the rope of light dissolves into the cover of the Lexicon.

Axel swears at Zexion and turns toward Roxas, "Did you bring me any ice cream?"

"Well...I'm actually eating yours now."

"What!" Axel's hands burst into flames, he grabs for the ice cream, but ends up melting it in the process. "Why!" Axel moans as he mourns over the melted ice cream bar.

Zexion snickers and continues reading the paragraph he was in the middle of.

Roxas looks down at Axel with a frown etched upon his face. He looks up at Zexion, "If I knew that would happen I would have brought him some."

Zexion shrugs, "You're still a newbie."

Roxas's hair seems to stand on end, "I'm not a newbie, I've been here for 316 days."

Zexion gives Roxas a pointed look, "It's really sad that you're still counting."

Roxas stomps out of the grey area with his shoulders slumped.

"Softie," Zexion mutters and continues reading.

Axel covers the puddle of sticky ice cream with a threadbare tea towel as a sick sort of burial shroud and sits back on the couch, staring at the powder blue cloth longingly.

Zexion shudders in revulsion, freaked out by Axels obsessiveness. But he shrugs it off and opens the Lexicon, muttering, "My day is complete, I've made everyone I've encountered cry today." _Except Larxene, hmm, I'll have to fix that. The black mail photos will do, I'll send them out tonight, _he thinks.

**Zexion has blackmail photos of Larxene... O_o Hmm, wonder what they are of. You decide! I'm unoriginal, so all I've got is nude photos. So, did you get the chappie title? Zexion's daily goal is to make people cry (hehe). The words Zexion used to bind Axel are (according to Google translator) Latin. Please...REVIEW! :3 (and tell me what the black mail material should be off ;D)**


	3. The First Photo

**Thank you for the reviews! They were very helpful, and really good. I couldn't decide which one to use for Larxene's blackmail so I'm going to attempt to mash it together in a couple chapters. (Including some of my own devious ideas. ;3) **

**I do not own Kingdom Hearts, Macy's, or _Hips Don't Lie_ by Shakira (nervous yet?)**

In his room, Zexion searched for the blackmail photos his contacts had taken little over a week ago. They had caught Larxene in some of the most un-Larxene-like activities. _Best. Blackmail photos. Ever. _Zexion thought as he snickered over the photos.

Axel walked in licking a bar of sea salt ice cream.

"Do you have a stash of that at the Castle?" Zexion asked, smirking.

"Roxas bought one for me," Axel said and started licking again. "What are you doing?" he asked, looking at the pictures.

"Blackmailing Larxene," Zexion said and passed them to Axel.

Axel's eyebrows shot up to his hair, "I thought Larxene hated Vexen."

"She does, but apparently he's the only one who will be her karaoke partner."

"You know, I vaguely remember her asking about my views on karaoke," Axel mused as he licked away at the bar of ice cream.

"I infer that Vexen was the only one that gave a positive response."

Axel nodded in agreement then squinted at the photo, "Wait, is she wearing a fluorescent pink tube dress!"

Zexion looked at the photo again, with his eye brows raised, "I think you're right."

"At least Vexen isn't wearing a dress." Axel said with a shudder.

Zexion nodded.

"When was this?"

"Last Friday. Fridays are her karaoke nights."

Axel's eyes lit up, "Today's Friday!"

"I don't understand your point." Zexion said, his eyes narrowing.

_Hmm, he kinda talks like the Lexicon._ Axel thought. "We're obviously going to Larxene's karaoke bar to spy on her."

Zexion's eyes widened in alarm, "Huh?"

"We need disguises..." Axel said, pondering the predicament. His eyes brightened, "I know! Let's go to Macy's!"

_**Later at Macy's...**_

Zexion groaned as he walked out of the dressing rooms.

The sales lady was shoving hangers of clothing at Axel and talking fervently. She had the trademark sales lady 1000 watt smile plastered on her face.

Axel finally noticed Zexion standing in the doorway awkwardly, wearing a striped purple and black tee shirt, black skinny jeans, and purple converse. "So, does he look night club worthy?" Axel asked the sales lady.

"Of course! He looks hollywood worthy!" she gushed. "Are you sure you don't want anything else?" she said, gesturing to the pile of clothes in Axel's arms.

"Positive," he said and dumped the clothe's in her arms. "We'll just get these." Axel gestured to Zexion and himself.

"Okay!" she said, her voice overly perky and came back with a mobile scanner.

After she had scanned their purchases the grand total was...

"$534.76" she said happily.

Axel didn't even twitch when he handed her a credit card that was shared among the Organization's members when the currency wasn't munny.

They left the mall in their new designer clothes and headed to the karaoke club in a portal. Axel smoothed out his shirt and looked around, "Does this place seem a bit seedy to you?"

Zexion shrugged and hid behind his hair. He looked at his newly bought watch, it read ten pm. "She should be here by now," he said.

Axel nodded and sauntered to the back of the line. When he realized Zexion was not following him, he came back and dragged Zexion by the collar of his shirt to the line.

The bouncer nodded them in. Inside, Axel said, "I knew he'd let me in, but I can't believe he didn't card you. You look like a six year old."

"Thanks," Zexion said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "You know this is the all-ages night."

"Surprising such a seedy place would have an all-ages night." Axel said shrugging, and plunged forward into the crowd. Zexion pulled him back before he could get any closer to the karaoke stage.

"Larxene is up there next to the stage!" he hissed. "We have to stay in the back."

Axel sighed and nodded.

The club's host took the microphone and said, "Our karaoke superstars, Luce and Vlad!"

The crowd erupted into cheers, they had obviously heard them before.

Larxene and Vexen walked on stage and took their microphones. Larxene wore a short V-neck crimson dress. Vexen was wearing a dress shirt, jeans, and combat boots, all black.

The music went on and Axel cursed.

Zexion looked over at him in confusion, "What is it?"

"She's singing _Hips Don't Lie_." Axel said through gritted teeth. "This'll scar me for life!" he moaned.

Zexion just looked confused, it was obvious that he'd never heard any Shakira before.

**Vexen:**Ladies up in here tonight

No fighting

(We got the refugees up in here)

No fighting

No fighting

Shakira, Shakira

I never really knew that she could dance like this

She make a man want to speak Spanish

Como se llama? Bonita, mi casa, su casa

(Shakira, Shakira)

**Larxene:**Oh baby when you talk like that

You make a woman go mad

So be wise and keep on

Reading the signs of my body

And I'm on tonight

You know my hips don't lie

And I'm starting to feel it's right

All the attraction, the tension

Don't you see baby, this is perfection

**Vexen:**Hey girl, I can see your body moving

And it's driving me crazy

And I didn't have the slightest idea

Until I saw you dancing

And when you walk up on the dance floor

Nobody cannot ignore the way you move your body, girl

And everything's so unexpected, the way you right and left it

So you can keep on taking it

I never really knew that she could dance like this

She make a man want to speak Spanish

Como se llama? Bonita, mi casa, su casa

(Shakira, Shakira)

**Larxene:**Oh baby when you talk like that

You make a woman go mad

So be wise and keep on

Reading the signs of my body

I'm on tonight

You know my hips don't lie

And I'm starting to feel you boy

Come on let's go, real slow

Don't you see baby asi es perfecto

I know I'm on tonight my hips don't lie

And I'm starting to feel it's right

All the attraction, the tension

Don't you see baby, this is perfection

(Shakira, Shakira)

Oh boy, I can see your body moving

Half animal, half man

I don't, don't really know what I'm doing

But you seem to have a plan

My will and self-restraint

Have come to fail now, fail now

See, I'm doing what I can, but I can't so you know

That's a bit too hard to explain

**Both:**Baila en la calle de noche

Baila en la calle de dÃƒÂ a

Baila en la calle de noche

Baila en la calle de dÃƒÂ a

**Vexen:**I never really knew that she could dance like this

She make a man want to speak Spanish

Como se llama? Bonita, mi casa, su casa

(Shakira, Shakira)

**Larxene:**Oh baby when you talk like that

You know you got me hypnotized

So be wise and keep on

Reading the signs of my body

**Vexen:**Senorita feel the conga

Let me see you move like you come from Colombia

**Both:**Mira en Barranquilla se baila asi, say it!

Mira en Barranquilla se baila asi

**Vexen**Yeah, she's so sexy, every man's fantasy

A refugee like me back with the Fugees from a 3rd world country

I go back like when 'Pac carried crates

For Humpty Humpty we need a whole club dizzy

Why the CIA wanna watch us?

Colombians and Haitians

I ain't guilty, it's a musical transaction

[Incomprehensible]

No more do we snatch ropes

Refugees run the seas 'cause we own our own boats

**Larxene:**I'm on tonight, my hips don't lie

And I'm starting to feel you boy

Come on let's go, real slow

Baby, like this is perfecto

Oh, you know I'm on tonight and my hips don't lie

And I'm starting to feel it's right

The attraction, the tension

Baby, like this is perfection

No fighting

No fighting

While singing the song Larxene was shaking her hips and winking at the audience.

Zexion and Axel were in the bathroom puking there guts out.

"This was such a bad idea," Zexion said after he'd washed out his mouth.

Axel was still vomiting.

After Axel was cleaned up there was an unspoken agreement to flee the club as fast as possible.

Zexion and Axel would never look at Larxene or Vexen the same way again.

**That was awkward for everyone, your probably scarred for life now, sorry. ;) (But that was so freaking fun to write!) Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. (Even if you were slightly disturbed.) And remember to REVIEW, please.**


	4. The First Photo Pt2

**I received some good feedback from my awesome reviewers. Thank you guys! This chappie is going to be fun. (Not as fun as the last one though, but that's my opinion.) More Roxy! **

**I do not own Kingdom Hearts, California Gurls, or Teenage Dream.**

"Hey, Zexion, what's wrong with Axel?" Roxas asked when he found Zexion writing in the Gray area. "He won't tell my what's wrong." Roxas set a small cardboard box on the coffee table in front of him.

Zexion's glazed over eyes stared up at Roxas. "'Hips Don't Lie'...sing...Larxene...SCARY!" Zexion said, his voice zombielike. He started shiver then turned back to the Lexicon and continued writing.

Roxas wasn't fazed by Zexion's zombie appearance. "Wha...You're not making any sense. Anyway, mail came in for you." Roxas said and gestured to the box.

Zexion seemed to snap back to reality and looked at the box quizzically. _Hmm, I wasn't expecting any mail._ he thought. Suddenly his eyes widened, _Oh, no...not __**that**__._ Zexion sprang up and ran out of the Gray area swiftly.

Roxas's eyebrows scrunched up in confusion. _What the...never mind._ He noticed the Lexicon was sitting on the couch, _Whoa, Zexion must be pretty messed up to leave the Lexicon. What is in that thing?_ Roxas looked at the box warily then shrugged and ripped it open.

Inside was a CD case. The CD inside was unmarked, it was obviously a burned disc. Roxas picked up the Lexicon and tucked both items under his arm. He headed toward the residential quarters.

**Zexion was just as disheveled during the Xigbar incident.**

Roxas spun around, nobody was in the Gray area except Demyx, who was snoring softly. "Demyx?" Roxas asked hesitantly.

The snoring stopped, "Wha...?" The snoring resumed before Roxas could answer.

Roxas shook his head, _Maybe I'm just paranoid. Hearing things is really paranoid. Besides, the voice was to deep for Demyx's. _

**Hopefully this doesn't go on as long as last time. **

Roxas jumped, "Who's there!"

**I have many names, the Book of Retribution, the Lexicon, various others.**

"The Lexicon?" Roxas asked. "But, books can't talk."

**And is the Lexicon your average book?**

"Hmm, I guess you have a point."

**Yes, yes.**

"Do you know whats on this disc?" Roxas asked.

**Read page 106.**

Roxas skims over the page and says, "Okay, all I got is that Axel and Zexion went to some seedy karaoke bar and saw Larxene singing. Then it stops."

**A vidio of Larxene singing is obviously on the disc you are holding.**

"Ah, that makes sense." Roxas says, then he thinks about how weird Axel was acting, "I still don't understand whats wrong with Axel. Larxene singing can't be that traumatizing."

**Just watch it and connect the dots yourself.**

"Touché," Roxas said and walked to his room.

He played the disc on the portable DVD player Axel had given him for Christmas.

Axel came in right before the song ended. He was obviously recovered from the trauma. "No! Now you're not innocent anymore." Axel cried, breaking down.

Roxas just stared at Axel, slightly disturbed._ Okaaay...awkward._ he thought.

Zexion (dezombiefied) saw Axel breaking down in the doorway and asked Roxas what was wrong.

"He watched it!" Axel answered before Roxas could open his mouth.

"Come on, it wasn't _that _bad." Roxas said matter-of-factly.

Zexion and Axel stared at Roxas wide-eyed.

"What?"

After a prolonged silence Zexion said, "'_That_ bad'? It was traumatizing!"

"You're just overreacting. Anyway, did you know the Lexicon speaks?" Roxas asked.

"Don't change the subject!" Zexion yelled. "Wait...you know about that?"

"Yeah. You left it in the Gray area. I was going to take it to you but then it started talking."

Zexion threw his hands up in the air, "So much for keeping it a secret."

"You expected to keep a secret from the Organization?" Axel asked. "Trust me, it's not possible."

Zexion and Roxas stared at Axel.

"What!" Axel asked.

"What secret?"

Axel shuffled from foot to foot, "Nothing." He started whistling to the tune of 'Teenage Dream''.

"You know, I think he's talking about being friends with Saix before they were nobodies." Zexion said.

"I MIGHT GET YOUR HEART RACING IN MY SKIN TIGHT JEANS, BE YOUR TEENAGE DREAM TONIGHT!" Axel belted.

"Jeez, Axel. If you didn't want to talk about you and your former BFF then you could have just told us." Roxas said innocently.

Zexion snorted then put on a mask of innocence.

Axel scowled and stomped away.

Roxas and Zexion snickered in unison.

"How did you find out about Larxene and Vexen's karaoke nights?" Roxas asked Zexion.

"From Larxene herself, actually. She was sending Vexen song lyrics and dates. And because I intercept all e-mails, text messages, letters, and any other form of communication I was able to piece together the past messages into what she did every Friday night." Zexion explained.

"How do you get the videos?" Roxas asked, holding up the disc.

"Hacking into the security systems. I have a disc made of the footage from that karaoke bar every Friday night and sent the next morning." Zexion said, shrugging.

Roxas nodded, impressed. "Okay, I think I understand it all, but I still have a question. How the heck did Axel get intertwined in all this!"

"He saw the blackmail photos."

"You have blackmail photos?" Roxas asked greedily.

Zexion nodded and picked up the Lexicon. He mumbled a password under his breath and opened the Lexicon. An illustration of Larxene and Vexen singing was printed on the page.

Roxas squinted, trying to make out the words on the screen behind them. "I think they're singing 'California Gurls'."

Zexion shrugged, "I don't doubt it."

"I don't think you should send this to Larxene," Roxas said after a prolonged silence.

Zexion arched a eyebrow, "Really?"

Roxas grinned maliciously, "I have a much better idea."

Approximately twenty minutes later a strange vidio was playing on all the screens in the Castle. In the Gray area Demyx cursed at the TV when his favorite movie, The Little Mermaid, was inturupted. He soon forgot about the disturbance as he watched the screen in horror. Around the castle cries of terror could be heard as the disturbing video played over and over again.

Roxas and Zexion were having a giggle fit as they listened to the screams of there fellow Organization members.

**Whoa, Roxy isn't as innocent as you thought he was, eh? Remember, we haven't gotten to the other photos yet, I'd still appreciate some more ideas. Please REVIEW! **


	5. Aftermath

**Thank you for the reviews! One majorly important question wasn't answered in the last chappie. And it was...HOW THE HECK WILL LARXENE REACT!** **Well, she's obviously not going to be all smiles. **

**I do not own Kingdom Hearts or Disney World.**

Axel, who had seemed to built up a tolerance against Larxene's singing, burst into Roxas's room to find Zexion and Roxas doubled over in laughter. Axel was twitching slightly but otherwise seemed unaffected by the video.

He locked the door behind him and dragged the dresser in front of the door. Spinning around, he addressed Zexion and Roxas, "One, that was genius! Two, you guys obviously didn't think about Larxene's role in the aftermath, eh?"

"What?" Roxas asked, sobering up.

"Just to sum it all up, Larxene saw the video." Axel said, eerily calm.

Zexion cursed. "What's she doing now."

"Well, beating a confession out of everyone. Once she finishes with the others she'll know it was us." Axel said.

A high-pitched scream sounded in the distance.

"150 munny on Marluxia." Roxas said.

"Are you kidding? That was totally Lexaeus." Axel said firmly.

Zexion seemed to think for a minute and said, "I believe it was the Superior."

Thunder rumbled and lighting lit up the sky. The lights sputtered and died.

Axel cursed loudly, "She knows where we're hiding."

Zexion opened a portal, "To Hollow Bastion."

**In Hollow Bastion...**

"I think we're in the bailey." Roxas said looking around at the gray stone.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious." Axel said.

"Hey!" A voice yelled from across the bailey.

The trio spun around and found Cloud pointing his broadsword in their direction.

"Whoa!" Roxas squeaked, "That's a sword!"

"I will terminate you like the darkness in my heart!" Cloud bellowed, charging the rouge Organization members.

Axel cocked his head as if he hadn't heard correctly, "Um, what did he say?"

"I'd answer that if a broadsword wasn't only seconds away from impaling me." Zexion said, he then turned around and ran.

Roxas and Axel followed suit.

Cloud chased the Organization members to the Market Place.

Leon happened to be buying a large stock of potion that day, the Organization members pushed him in Cloud's way and slipped into a narrow alley.

Leon whipped his gunblade out and blocked Cloud's broadsword swiftly. "What are you doing?" he asked Cloud.

"There are Organization members."

"Where?" Leon asked.

"I lost them when I entered the square." Cloud said.

Leon did a 360 and gave Cloud a pointed look. "I don't see them, you'd better tell Yuffie about them if your going back to Merlin's."

"I'll be over there later." Cloud said and walked off toward the bailey.

Leon finished talking with the store clerk and walked out of the square.

Zexion sighed in relief and slipped out of the alleyway, then both Roxas and Zexion flipped onto the roof of the neighboring shop. Axel was left to squeeze himself out of the tight alley space.

A bolt of lightning struck a building near the corner of the square.

"Oh, Roxas! Axel! Zexion!" A feminine voice called. Larxene walked in the square, lightning bolts shooting from her hands. "There you are book nerd! Don't try to hide, I see you pyro. And, shorty, you're still not small enough hide from me."

"Shorty!" Roxas shrilled.

"Shut up and run!" Zexion snapped and dragged Roxas by the hood to the bailey. Axel followed.

"How the heck did she know we were here!" Roxas asked while running.

"Did you forget to close the portal?" Axel asked Zexion.

Zexion grimaced and said, "Just keep running."

Larxene walked calmly behind them, "You cowards, do you realize you're running away from a girl! Ha! You're going to be bawling your eyes out once I'm through with you! Maybe that'll teach you!"

"There you are!" Cloud yelled from the end of the street.

"Oh, come on!" Axel yelled, throwing his hands up in the air, "We don't have time for this."

"This might actually work to our advantage." Zexion said calmly.

"Yeah, you're right, we have a choice on how to die. Either we get fried by psycho bitch over there, or we can get impaled by Blondie over there." Axel finished, gesturing to Larxene then Cloud.

"I've got it!" Zexion exclaimed and told his plan to the other two.

Cloud and Larxene advanced at a slow but steady pace.

The trio ran straight on at Cloud. He stumbled in confusion momentarily but recovered and ran at them. Larxene snarled and broke out into a sprint toward the trio.

Only when Roxas, Axel, and Zexion were a second away from death did they dodge Cloud by splitting up and running around him. Cloud ran on, right into Larxene.

In nearly no time at all Cloud and Larxene were deep in battle. They had completely forgotten the rouge Organization XIII members.

Axel opened a portal and they all piled into it without question.

**In a different world...**

"Um, Axel, why are we in Disney World?" Roxas asked looking around in confusion.

"We totally blend in here! To the public we just look like park employees!" Axel said cheerfully

Zexion flipped his hair into his eyes and looked around warily, "On a list of all things that we do not look like, park employees it at the top."

"Yeah, to all these soccer moms we probably look like cult members. We need disguises." Roxas said.

Zexion groaned, he knew what was coming.

"To the gift shop!" Axel said.

**I feel kinda sorry for Larxene. She didn't deserve that fate. And who's scream was that? I personally say it's Marly. Who do you think it was? REVIEW, please! :)**


	6. Disney Memories

**Thank you for the reviews! I personally had Saix in mind when I wrote the scream in, but it could be anyone else. :D So sorry for not updating sooner. **

**I do not own Kingdom Hearts, Chronicles of Narnia, or anything related to Disney.**

Roxas, Zexion, and Axel walked into what appeared to be a battle ground. Furniture was overturned or strewn in pieces across the room, some of it was even still smoking.

"Whoa, is this the Gray area?" Roxas asked, looking around with wide eyes.

Zexion smelled the air, "I smell blood, but not a lot considering the number of members who were subject to Larxene's wraith." Zexion looked down at his clothes in disdain. He was wearing a gray sweatshirt with "Walt Disney World" embroidered on the chest in red thread. He vainly tried to hide the embroidered image of Mickey Mouse on the corner of the sweatshirt. "We should change back into our Organization garb, then we can investigate further.

"Oh, come on, Zexy! I'm sure Xemnas wouldn't mind us parading around without our uniform. When he asks, we'll just explain that we hid in Disney World from Larxene." Axel said cheerfully. Axel himself was wearing a red tracksuit with a image of Bambi on the back.

"Do you think he even notices the Bambi on his back?" Roxas asked Zexion quietly and Zexion snickered. To Axel, Roxas said, "Um, I kinda agree with Zexion."

"You look fine Roxas," Axel said, sensing Roxas's obvious discomfort.

"Don't remind me," Roxas groaned. He purposely avoided looking down at the hot pink sweatshirt with Aurora on it.

"Disguises aside, you know you both enjoyed it!" Axel said.

"Yeah, you're right, Axel. Now that I think of it, the most enjoyable part of the day was when that three year old started attacking you when you stole his ice cream." Roxas said smugly.

"Oh, yeah, I remember that. His friends joined in and they floored you." Zexion finished.

"It was an unfair fight, four to one." Axel mumbled.

Roxas gave Axel a pointed look, "They were _three_, Axel."

Axel ignored Roxas and asked Zexion, "What was your favorite part?"

"The only thing good about that came out of this was this," Zexion said holding up _The Complete_ _Chronicles of Narnia _by C.S. Lewis.

"See, Roxas? Zexion's happy." Axel said.

"That's because Zexion's a nerd, he gets excited over books featuring talking animals." Roxas said through gritted teeth.

"Hey! It's a classic!" Zexion protested.

"Is it the sweatshirt? It's not my fault they only had your size in girls." Axel said.

Roxas didn't answer.

"I know what'll cheer you up! I was going to give you this for Christmas, but whatever." Axel said and took out a familiar looking black cap with mouse ears.

The blood drained from Roxas's face and his eyes were discs. "No!" he whispered.

Axel jammed the Mickey Mouse hat on Roxas.

Zexion snickered and said, "I'm glad I'm not the one wearing that."

Axel turned to Zexion, a suspicious light gleamed in his green cat eyes. "Don't worry Zexy, I didn't forget you!"

Zexion screamed bloody murder as Axel jammed the cap over his lanky hair.

Axel smiled at the sobbing Zexion and ashen Roxas. He took out his own Mickey Mouse hat and put it on, "I bought one for myself, also."

Suddenly, Xigbar ran into the Gray area. "I heard screaming, where is she!"

"She? You mean Larxene? Last time I saw her she was being attacked by a rampaging berserker in Hollow Bastion." Axel said.

"Berserker? Ah, you mean Cloud Strife."

Axel shrugged, "I guess."

Xigbar threw back his head and laughed, "Then she'll definently be out of fighting condition, maybe even in pieces... I guess you were hiding at Disney." Xigbar says, finally noticing the colorful garb.

Axel nods.

Xigbar leaves with a weirded out look and Axel turns back to Zexion and Roxas, "See, you guys later." He leaves for his room.

The moment after Axel closes his door he doubles over laughing and ends up-_literally_- rolling on the floor laughing out loud. "Oh, my..." he says with tears in his eyes, then he has another laughing fit.

Outside Axel's door Zexion and Roxas have their ears pressed to the door. Roxas's eyes are flashing red and Zexion mutters a long line of profanities. They scramble away from the door and back into the Gray area when they hear Axel moving toward the door.

"Oh! You two look so cute!" Axel says and pats them on their heads. He then runs to the kitchen to have a supressed giggle fit.

Meanwhile, Roxas and Zexion are whispering fervently. They had taken off the hats once Axel left.

"This is all just an act!" Zexion hisses.

Roxas nods, "We must take revenge,"

Zexion nods and looks at Roxas.

"What!"

"You're the evil blonde, Axel deserves something horrible that can only come out of a blonde head like your's," Zexion explains.

Roxas's eyes widened and teared up, "You think I'm evil!" he asked in a low, trembling voice.

Zexion looks at the blonde's chibi eyes and starts to shake, weakly he says, "Your powers...don't...work on...me." Zexion spontaneously passes out and falls to the floor.

Roxas kicked the unconscious form of Zexion and said, "You could have just succumbed and said I wasn't evil," he shrugs, "Whatever, sucks for you."

Roxas slumped back into the couch and sighed. "Evil plans...Axel... Yeah, I got nothing. Maybe I should laugh evilly to inspire myself." Roxas shrugged and laughed better than a vilian in a Disney movie. It was a genuine evil laugh only a blonde like Roxas could produce. He thought for a moment and groaned in defeat, no evil plans yet.

Saix ran in, "Who was that? Was it her?" He looked at Roxas accusingly.

Roxas pointed to the limp figure of Zexion.

Saix nodded and walked away, eyeing Zexion warily.

"I got it!" Roxas said aloud. Saix's odd hair color had inspired him. He now knew exactly what to do with the sick pyro.

**A little explaining on the berserker part. In Record of Lodoss Wars (an anime) there was a berserker (sort of like the Norse type) and Cloud reminded me of him. Really, I only know what Roxas is generally going to do with Axel. If you haven't figured out what Saix's hair inspired Roxas to think of, think of Demyx's element. I'd love some evil torture ideas. ;D Please review!**


	7. Roxas Traps Unsuspecting Mermaids

**My thanks to the reviewers, especially The Waterbender and SoraIsMyHomeboy. You guys are great at devious ideas. ;D I do not own French chefs, Ariel, or Kingdom Hearts—just in case you didn't guess...**

Zexion woke up with Demyx's feet on his back. He moaned.

"Get off me!" he commanded weakly.

"Aw, Zexy's not being fun anymore," Demyx wined sarcastically but moved his feet.

Zexion dragged himself on the couch and slumped against the back. Even the small act of pushing himself up had drained him of all energy. "What happened?" he asked groggily.

Demyx held up his hands in surrender, "Hey, don't ask me. I found you like that."

"And you thought it to be appropriate to put your feet on my back?" Zexion was regaining some of his usual vigor.

Demyx shrugged and resumed watching _The Little Mermaid_. "I couldn't finish before the Larxene incident." he explained after Zexion gave him a strange look.

"Is that what they're calling it?" Zexion asked.

"Yeah, not officially or anything, it'll probably end up something all official like 'Larxene MAD' or something. Anyway, enough talk, watch!"

Zexion mused for a moment, soaking all this in, then ended up watching Demyx's movie. He had never watched a Disney movie, so this was a new experience for him. Zexion found the tale of the mermaid with Daddy issues very amusing.

Meanwhile, Roxas was gathering the necessary items for his evil plot at Atlantica. "Damn piranhas," he muttered. Roxas was catching piranhas with a mesh metal net and five raw sirloin steaks.

"You catching viranhas with steak?" a familiar looking chef with a French accent said and whistled. "Expensive fish. You know you could just use fish guts."

Roxas glared at him and continued catching the piranhas, "Eh, I don't really mind. I stole them anyway."

The chef didn't hear him for he was yelling at the fishing crew, "I vant crabs! Not fish! Da, ves, crabs!" he walked away without another word to Roxas.

Roxas seemed to be struggling with the piranhas, they were all latched onto whatever steak they could reach. He suddenly had and idea, with a shout of joy he netted at least fifteen fish, they were all still firmly clamped onto the steak but he wasn't picky. Roxas collected the rest of the steaks, his grand total was now up to around one hundred piranhas. He sealed the tank filled with them and continued with his last task in Atlantica—catching a mermaid.

The mermaid was to bribe Demyx to help him. He had to admit, this plan wouldn't succeed if Demyx didn't cooperate. He had to come up with something good, a mermaid fit the requirements perfectly.

With a grimace he dives into the water. Instantly, he was in merman form, "Ugh, this is so weird." He hesitantly swims around slowly, once he was sure of himself he sped up...and ran into a rock wall with a thud.

Holding his throbbing head he swam slowly in search of a mermaid. Roxas heard a faint melodious sound, he dismissed it as a symptom of his migraine. But it became louder as he swam, he saw a flash of red and crept toward it, the noise was now recognizable as singing. It was a festive song, very charismatic.

Roxas finally came close enough to see the scene. A red haired mermaid was singing and dancing along with a crab and a horde of sea creatures. The chorus seemed to be 'under the sea'. When the mermaid came close to him he cast a weak blizzard. Though it was far from weak in the watery environment, the blizzard encased the mermaid in a layer of ice. Thick enough to keep her restrained, but thin enough to not weigh Roxas down—to much.

The assortment of sea creatures were too busy dancing and singing to notice the strange blonde merman drag off their beloved princess who was trapped in a casing of ice.

Roxas painstakingly dragged her to the surface. He shed his merman form and cast a portal and a aero. The aero lifted the mermaid and the piranha tank into the portal with him.

He arrived in Demyx's room. Thankfully, Demyx was not there.

Roxas cast a fire that melted the mermaid's icy veneer and dropped her in Demyx's oversized fish tank, he decided against the swimming pool in case she was determined to escape, even if she dried out in the process. He slid the piranha tank in the corner, the fanged fish were still relentlessly gnawing at the steaks. Finally, he set off to find Demyx.

Demyx and Zexion had just finished watching their movie. They were currently deep in a heated discussion.

"It's a Disney movie! It doesn't _have_ to be logical." Demyx said, exasperated.

"Being a certain type of movie is no excuse for lack of logicality," Zexion sniffed.

Demyx was about to contradict Zexion's statement but Roxas spoke up, "If you two will kindly shut up, I have a business offer for Demyx."

Zexion opened his mouth as if to protest, but didn't say anything. Roxas sat with them and explained, "Demyx, I need you to do a job for me."

Demyx rolled his eyes, "I don't do jobs."

"Which is why I'm paying you."

"I don't need munny!" Demyx said defensively.

"I'm not paying you in munny. Come on, I'll show you." Roxas said. He led Demyx to the mermaid, in unspoken agreement Zexion followed. "Sorry, I had to use your room to store her, but you'll understand."

Demyx looked at him suspiciously at the mention of "her".

Roxas opened the door with flourish. A barely contained smug smile threatened to split his face.

Zexion glanced at Roxas warily before stepping in.

Demyx was plastered to the glass of the large fish tank. He peeled himself off to gush like a fanboy, "Oh my gosh, Roxas! You got me Ariel!" He smiled at Zexion and stated the obvious, "Look, Zexy! It's Ariel!"

"Yes, Captain Obvious. That is Ariel." Zexion said with fake seriousness.

Demyx tackled Roxas in a bear hug, "Oh, thank you!"

Roxas struggled to free himself "Get off me!" he said, but it was muffled so it came out more like, "Get uff me!"

Demyx let him go. Roxas attempted to scrape his dignity off the ground by dusting himself off and appearing nonchalant, but Demyx ruffled his hair and said, "Short blonde people can be so nice sometimes."

Roxas flushed bright red, "Short!"

"Sure, you're like, only this tall." Demyx indicated Roxas height.

Zexion attempted to contain his laughter, but failed epically. He was laughing uncontrollably and rather loudly.

Roxas scowled but attempted to get back on topic, "Anyway, Demyx, I believe that this means you'll accept?"

"Wha...? Oh, yeah, that. Sure, I'll do a job." Demyx said.

"Good. Zexion, I need you to convince Vexen to help us, we need him also." Roxas said.

Zexion raised an eyebrow, "And how do you expect me to do that?"

"You know how he's been whining about not having any materia to study?" Roxas asked.

Zexion snorted, "Of, course, he won't shut up about it."

"You're going to steal materia and bribe him with it," Roxas said simply.

Zexion asked the million dollor question, "Where do I find this fabled materia?"

"Yuffie Kisaragi."

**Cliffhanger! Nah, not technically, I'm posting the next chapter in a couple minutes. So...REVIEW! I want some chappie requests, I'm running out of ideas!**


	8. Zexion Goes on a Suicide Mission

**For those of you who don't know, Yuffie is a ninja on a everlasting sugar high and hoards materia. She is also _very_ possessive...poor Zexy... Anyway, I don't own Kingdom Hearts. If I did many things would be different...*evil laugh***

Zexion laughed nervously, "You're not serious!" After a moment of silence he said, "Wait...you're serious... Come on! Everyone knows stealing anything-especially materia—from Yuffie is a suicide mission."

"We need it to succeed." Roxas stated.

Zexion stared at him defiantly, he scowled, "Fine! But if I die it'll be your ass I'll haunt first."

Roxas smiled, "Good. Here's the plan: Demyx will take the piranhas to Axels room and start filling it with water—all the way to the top, but I don't want it to spill out the door, keep it in form. Then he'll release the piranhas. I'll be keeping Axel out of his room, then I'll lure him in there. You having took Yuffie's materia, will convince Vexen to help you. When Axel's in his room of water Vexen will freeze the outer layer and make it uncomfortably cold for him. It can't be completely frozen because I want the piranhas to have free reign on him."

"You make the piranhas sound so dirty," Zexion said with a smirk. He cast a portal and stepped into with a salute and a smirk.

The portal closed leaving Demyx and Roxas in silence.

"What's the likelihood of him coming back alive?" Demyx asked, breaking the thick silence.

Roxas frowned and hesitated, "Less than half."

Demyx paled, "You know he's going to keep his word, you've just practically asked him to haunt you."

"I know," Roxas said weakly.

Demyx looked at Roxas with pity.

Roxas whimpered hysterically, "I need to go talk to Axel...get going with your job." his voice cracked and he practically fled the room.

Roxas ran into Axel and started bawling, "Help me! *sniff* Zexion's going to haunt me. *sob* Please, Axel!"

Axel—who was majorly weirded out—patted the blondes head awkwardly. "Um...it's okay... At least I _think_ it is..."

In Hollow Bastion, Zexion, was shaking uncontrollably. "You're being a idiot...the ninja won't even know it's you. We'll, _if_ she doesn't catch me in the act...then I'll die. Agh! Stop talking like that, of course you'll live."

Zexion stood up, he skirted in the shadows confidentially. The black organization cloak's hood was up over his face, he was invisible. The lock on the female ninja's door was simple, he had no trouble getting in. The harder part was uncovering the materia. He crept upstairs, the stairs were old and squeaked, he had to tread lightly.

He checked under the bed, under the mattress, in the drawers, and in the closet. Where could it be...oh, of course. Zexion opened the closet door again and attempted to lift the floor boards. He found it, three floor boards lifted easily with just a little effort. The opening revealed a locked box of materia. He carefully set the box beside him and replaced the floor boards. He let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding.

Now, the key...

Hm, he doubled checked under the mattress and lucked out, the key was sitting in the very middle. He grabbed it and the materia box and ran swiftly and silently outside. Once out of the house, Zexion broke out in a flat out run back to where he had arrived, but first a short break, all the running and paranoia was exhausting.

After a moment Zexion realized what he had just done, he quickly cast a portal and escaped Hollow Bastion, almost forgetting the materia. _Almost_.

In the Gray area Axel had been waiting for Roxas to show him this new video game he had bought. The kid was obsessed, Axel couldn't wait to beat him into the dust in that game. It was amusing when the short blonde pouted.

Axel noticed a portal open and a sweat drenched Zexion practically ran out. "Oh my gosh! I'm alive!" He laughed happily and then saw Axel and tackled him, "Axel! I thought I'd never see you again!"

"Agh! Why do short people keep hugging me!" Axel yelled at nobody in particular. He was currently being squeezed to death by a sobbing Zexion

Axel was suddenly seized by a horrific thought, "No! Zexion...did you break to the yaoi fangirls will?"

Zexion released Axel and backed away a few steps. "Of course not!" he then ran away, clearly disturbed, but not before grabbing a locked box that he had when he ran through the portal.

Axel shuddered and returned to waiting for Roxas.

Zexion carried the box to Vexen's lab. He didn't bother to knock, he wasn't in a knocking mood.

Vexen scowled when he saw Zexion enter. Zexion was not fazed he brought the box over to the table and said, "I have a business proposition, Vexen."

The Chilly Academic narrowed his eyes, "I have no interest."

Zexion smirked, "Oh, believe me, you have very much interest. All I'm asking is that you complete a simple task for me and in return you'll receive this," Zexion unlocked the box and opened it, revealing the orbs of materia that were glowing supernaturally.

Vexen's eyes shone with greed, "Give me a more detailed description of this task and we might just have a deal."

Zexion rolled his eyes, they instantly had a deal the moment Vexen laid his eyes on the materia and they both knew it.

Zexion brought Vexen to Axel's room Demyx was standing outside the door keeping the water in perfect form of the room. "We already have the piranhas loose," he chuckled, "and the bait is planted."

"Bait?" Zexion asked.

"Sea salt ice cream that the piranhas are currently attempting to eat." Demyx answered.

Zexion nodded, impressed at the ingenious of it.

"Could you give Roxas the code phrase? It's 'The chocobo is eating my foot.'"

After an awkward silence Zexion said, "What the f***? Code phrases are supposed to come up in conversation casually. 'The chocobo is eating my foot.' is the crappiest code phrase I've ever heard." Zexion ranted.

Demyx shrugged, "We couldn't come up with anything else."

Zexion scowled, "Whatever, I'll see what I can do." He walk off to complete the impossible task of using the code phrase in a nonchalant manner.

Zexion was lurking on the far side of the Gray area, Roxas and Axel were at least ten meters away from him. He took a deep breath and gave it a try, "Hey Roxas! The chocobo is eating my foot!" he yelled.

Axel gave the exact same reaction as Zexion, "What the f***?"

Roxas gave Zexion a thumbs up.

"So, do you want to eat some sea salt ice cream?" Roxas asked Axel innocently.

Axel's expression brightened, "Yeah! But...wait, it's too late, they already closed." He started to pout.

Roxas rolled his eyes, "We have sea salt ice cream here, I put a mini freezer full of it in your room. Could you go get us some?"

Axel patted Roxas head, "You're just so smart sometimes, sure I'll get us some." He walked toward his room.

"Thanks, oh and Axel." Roxas said.

Axel turned around, "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry." Then the blonde turned his attention to Kingdom Hearts.

"Okaaay..." the confused pyro muttered and walked briskly to his room.

When he walked in he didn't even notice the changed in atmosphere, until the walls and floors turned to solid ice. He realized he was wet, and the water was terribly cold. He gasped in horror at the sight of at least one hundred piranhas nibbling at floating bars of sea salt ice cream, but it got worse, for the piranhas started to notice him. His screams were drowned out by the water.

Outside of Axel's rather wet room Zexion, Roxas, and Demyx—Vexen had gone off to play with his materia- were watching the scene unfold thanks to Demyx's connection with the water inside. They had a crystal clear view of Axel and his battle with the piranhas.

Roxas cringed and wimpered.

"You don't feel bad for him do you!" Zexion exclaimed.

Roxas shrugged nervously, "Well...kinda."

Zexion rolled his eyes.

Meanwhile, in Hollow Bastion, a scream was heard throughout that particular world. "Where is my materia!" Everyone instantly became nervous, as residents of the world they knew what Yuffie Kisaragi was capable of when her materia had gone missing.

**Poor residents of Hollow Bastion, if that world ever found out that Zexion caused Yuffie's insanity they'd send a horde of seething villagers to kill him. Hope it was good. I personally love my code phrase, I'm very proud of it. And I have a theory that the yaoi fangirls send KH characters suggestive emails containing what they should do with their day, so that explains that part. Please review and if you have any requests for chapters don't be shy! Request them! :D Going to sleep now, you guys guilted me into finishing this, I don't know exactly how but that's not the point. Until next chappie...**


	9. The Horror of Joke Weapons

**Thanks for all the review! Oh, my gosh, evilgrrlstrike your brother has forced me to write a chapter. I've never heard of the joke weapons, awesome idea! I do not own Kingdom Hearts, ipads, or the genius joke weapons. **

Axel, shivering and dripping with icy water, was sitting wrapped in a towel on Demyx's bed. The tips of his hair were solid with ice and his organization cloak was ridden with bite marks.

"Axel, you know we're sor-"

"Just-t-t s-shut up,"he said, interrupting Roxas. "This-s kind of tor-t-ture does-sn't des-serve forgiveness," he coughed then returned to shivering.

Roxas ran out of the room.

"Where's he going?" Demyx asked. He was entertaining the mermaid with a water show.

"Probably to cry his eyes out," Zexion said with a roll of his eyes, "sissy."

"SHUT UP, ZEXION!" Roxas yelled from outside the room.

Zexion smirked and went back to recording the encounter in the Lexicon. "There, now it's written in history." He dismissed the Lexicon and basked in the air of Axel's defeat.

"That's it!" Axel roared. He stood up and summoned his chakrams. Except, there was a slight problem.

"Axel, how the heck did you summon pizza! I've always wanted to do that!" Demyx exclaimed.

Axel started sobbing.

"You obviously don't like vegetables on your pizza do you? How do you do that anyways?" Zexion said.

"That's the thing! I _didn't_ summon pizza! I summoned my chakrams...I want my chakrams!" Axel cried and fell on the floor in a fit of tears.

"I think he's having a tantrum..." Demyx said.

"Wow! That's really perceptive! I mean, who would have guessed?" Zexion said in a mocking 'awed' voice.

"What does 'perceptive' mean?" Demyx asked.

*facepalm* "Why...WHY do I hang out with these idiots?" Zexion asked himself.

Demyx hugged Zexion, "Because you _love_ us!"

Zexion cleared his throat and moved a couple feet away from Demyx, "I doubt it."

"Wait, how are we idiots?" Demyx asked, completely dumbfounded.

"Well, Axel is a idiot because he's crying like a three year. And you don't even know what a simple word like 'perceptive' means, it's deplorable." Zexion explained.

Demyx gave Zexion a perplexed look, "Deplorable?"

Zexion looked up with a serious expression, "Seriously, why do I hang out with these idiots?"

**Because an unseen force wills it. *evil laughter***

"That's not the Lexicon..." Zexion muttered. He was studying the ceiling as if he expected a giant golden chocobo to appear. "Strange."

Demyx seemed to have not heard the voice, "Um, Zexion, I think I'm seeing things."

Zexion sighed, "You probably are. Humor me and do tell of the unbelievable phenomenon you are witnessing."

"I have no idea what you just said, but I think Ariel is cussing me out." Demyx said.

"If that's the case you must be seeing things."

"Tell me what you think she's saying then," Demyx challenged.

Zexion looked at the mermaid, "Interesting, it does seem to appear that she's cussing you out. My, my, she does have a very dirty mouth indeed."

"Sharp things!" Axel moaned randomly.

Roxas ran in, "Don't worry, Axel, I'll help you!"

"Sharp things..." Axel moaned.

"On it! I will summon my magnificent keyblade and let you play with it! Keyblade, come to me!" Roxas yelled, patriotic music was playing in the background. An umbrella appeared in Roxas hand. "Wow! A umbrella, I didn't know I could do that. But I said keyblade...KEYBLADE COME TO ME!"

Roxas looked down as Axel pitifully, "It's okay, Axel! I've got something better than sharp things, a hug!" He knelt down and squeezed Axel.

Axel leaped away from Roxas, "Ahh, short people, stop touching me!"

Roxas hugged himself and rocked back and forth on the floor. "What's wrong with me...? Am I succumbing to the yaoi fangirls will?" he whimpered

"Interesting," Zexion mused. "It seems both you and Axel are unable to summon your weapons. I'll put this down in the Lexicon." Zexion summoned the Lexicon but it didn't appear, instead a giant sandwich rested where the Lexicon was supposed to be. Zexion just stared at the sandwich with a bewildered expression.

"It's just because you all have lame weapons, they've been replaced with their true form. I mean, a oversized key with a sharp edge? Lame. A book? Lamer. And chakrams are just a circle of metal with blades sticking out. Now, a sitar is the perfect combination of art and weaponry." Demyx said.

"Why don't you try to summon it!" Zexion snarled bitterly. He had thrown the sandwich across the floor.

"I will." Demyx said certainly. An oversized tennis racket appeared in Demyx's hands. "My sitar!" he wailed pitifully.

All four of them ended up crying in a circle. Then Zexion, the practical one, spoke up, "If this is happening to us wouldn't it be likely that the other members have all experienced the same occurrence?"

The answer came surprisingly quick. "Where are my arrowguns!" Xigbar roared.

"Oh, I can't wait to see this!" Axel hissed excitingly.

"Really? I think I'll hide." Roxas said nervously.

"This is Xigbar, it's bound to be amusing." Zexion said smugly.

They all looked at Demyx.

"What?" he asked.

"What are you going to do?" Axel asked.

"Um, I don't know, play with my mermaid?" he answered, but the question mark was obvious.

"Wrong answer." Axel said and grabbed Demyx and Roxas by their ears, "Come on, we've got a show to watch."

The group walked over to mingle with the crowd of organization members. Xigbar was barking accusations at each member.

Zexion cleared his throat a few times to get everyones attention, "Evidence has concluded that every organization member's weapons have been replaced. If you do not believe then, please, exercise my theory."

The assembled members whispered nervously to each other.

"Two just says he's missing his arrowguns, he didn't mention anything about them being replaced," Marluxia said.

The whispering became doubtful.

Xemnas pushed his way to the clearing in the center of the crowd where Xigbar and Zexion stood. "Stop this muttering! Xigbar, summon your arrowguns as you normally would."

Xigbar nodded to Xemnas and twin hairdryers appeared in his hands.

Snickers and mummers of awe came from the crowd.

Axel snorted, "Funny, Xigbar, I took you for the towel and air dry sort of guy."

"These things still shoot," Xigbar growled and shot at the ceiling. A tile came loose and hit Axel on the head.

Zexion's eyes brightened, "Compelling, it still deals the same damage his original weapon would."

Marluxia gasped, "No!" He was holding a giant metal soup ladle. "My Graceful Dahlia!"

"It's arguably more manly than his previous weapon," Zexion muttered under his breath.

Vexen walked into the Gray area, "What's going on here?"

"Our weapons seemed to have been replaced," Saix said.

"Summon yours, Vexen!" a voice said.

Vexen shrugged and the lid of a cooking pot appeared in his hands. He gaped.

Axel started laughing, "You and Marluxia should get together. Then you'd be one step closer to making soup."

Vexen's face turned as red as Axel's hair with either anger or embarrassment, probably both.

Lexaeus grunted, Axel looked over and saw him holding a hammer, "Totally saw that coming."

"This is lame," Luxord said, holding a handful of CDs printed with the nobody symbol and a roman numeral thirteen. He dismissed them and took out a regular deck of cards.

The assorted members erupted in laughter, even Xemnas snickered. Saix's cheeks were flaming and his face was pale, which as weird and impossible as it sounds, was true. He held the oversized banana awkwardly.

"I'm not even going to elaborate on how wrong that is," Axel said.

"Enough of that, be quiet. I have an announcement." Xemnas said angrily. "Larxene will be returning tomorrow. You may avoid her if you wish, but accept the fact that she is here."

A mumer of disease rippled through the crowd.

"Um, Superior, what replaced your weapons?" Demyx asked.

Xemnas shurgged and summoned...fans. He looked down at them in shock and quietly said, "No, m-my light sabers..."

"Everyone, get out!" Saix commanded, everyone scurried away.

Zexion, Axel, Roxas, and Demyx were again hanging out in Demyx's room.

"The best was Manse—I mean Xemnas's. He got revenge on me by sending me on five missions in one day the last time I called his Ethereal blades light sabers." Axel said lightly.

"What are you doing Zexion?" Demyx asked.

Zexion was on a iPad googling. "Trying to connect the replaced weapons with someone that might lead us to who did it."

"On the internet?" Roxas asked doubtfully.

"There's a bunch of stuff on the internet that you don't know about. For example, did you know that Maleficent has a website?" Zexion explained.

"Really!" Roxas asked.

"Most likely...wait...here it is."

Roxas looked at the screen, "A blog? So evil villain like," Roxas remarked.

"See, if Maleficent has a website, there has to be something on the replacement of our weapons." Zexion said.

**That was a _long_ chapter, and it's obviously going to be a double chapter feature. I reluctantly put a narrator scene in there, some people really hate those, but I thought it was okay. I had so much fun writing this. Video of joke weapons in action: you tube. com /watch?v =BnsYwDLCxSQ (Remove the spaces) Please review! The next chapter should be up this weekend...hopefully.**


	10. Lost Hair Gel,  Frat Boys, and Paranoia

**Thanks for the reviews and sorry for the delay, but schools over now so theoretically I should update more. At the end of the chap is a important authors note. Please read, it's about what I should do with the future chapters. I do not own Hallmark or The Young and the Restless (thank goodness) or Kingdom Hearts, and be thankful that I don't. X3**

"Um, Axel, what's up with your hair?" Roxas asked the pyro as he walked into the Gray area.

Axel, with fire streaming from his eyes, said, "Some freak took my hair gel. I'll _kill _whoever did this..."

Roxas just stared at Axel, he looked like a total stranger without the distinguishing spikes. "I didn't know your hair was naturally wavy."

Axel scowled, "Don't remind me."

"You remind me of someone...Zexion, do you know who he looks like?" Roxas asked.

Zexion looked up from the ipad, he had been up all night looking for possible connections and it showed. His hair was lankier and messier than usual and purple bags were under his eyes. In one word, he looked like a zombie. "Huh?"

"Dude you need to go to bed," Demyx said as he walked into the Gray area. "You look like hell."

Zexion didn't have a snappy comeback, he just returned to the device in his hand, "Have to find connections."

"Now you _sound_ like a zombie." Demyx said.

Zexion muttered something uninterpretable and fell over.

After a drawn out silence Roxas said, "Someone check his pulse."

Axel pressed his fingers to the side of Zexion's neck, "None."

"Should we just leave him then?" Demyx asked after another prolonged silence.

"Probably not." Roxas answered simply.

"I think I have an idea," Axel said. He opened a portal and jumped through when he came back he was holding a tray piled high with espressos. He poured them all in Zexion's gaping mouth.

"You know, one of those is equivalent to nine cups of coffee. They might bring him back to life again but he would probably die again." Roxas said.

"Didn't think of that...oops." Axel admitted.

Zexion shot up, breathing hard and irregular. His eyes flitted quickly to everything in the room. He grabbed his chest as if he were in pain, Roxas shot him with a tranq gun.

Demyx gave Roxas a guarded look, "You're just full of surprises for someone so short."

Roxas flushed bright red, "I'm not _that _short."

"You're shorter than Zexion, and that's no small feat." Axel said, smirking.

"Agh! The short jokes burn!" Roxas cried.

Axel beamed, "Burning is my specialty!"

"Did that sound like something a perverted pyromaniac would say, or am I just paranoid?" Roxas asked.

"There is no doubt in my mind that Axel is a perverted pyro." Demyx said seriously. He pulled out a ukelele, "Look what Xigbar gave me! It's just like a miniature sitar!"

Axel eyed the ukelele suspiciously, "Xigbar? Then you should probably throw it out a window."

Demyx's eyes teared up, "This is all I have! My beloved sitar has been stolen!"

Someone sighed. "Ugh, quit crying like a four year old who had his favorite toy taken away," a very bored sounding voice said.

"Zexy! You're awake!" Axel said and clapped him on the back.

"What the hell happened to your hair?" Zexion said calmly.

Axel scowled.

"Doesn't he remind you of someone? I can't think of who it is." Roxas said.

Zexion studied Axel, "He looks like Kairi."

"Oh, you're right!" Roxas agreed.

Axel gaped at both of them. He stared at them coldly and said, "Anyway, I deserted my hiding place to tell you that I have a lead on who replaced our weapons."

Zexion raised an eyebrow, "Doubtfully, but go on."

"It was obviously the one who took my hair gel," Axel said with a shrug.

Zexion sighed, "Anyway, I have deemed the internet useless."

Roxas gasped, "Nonbeliever!" he yelled, pointing at Zexion.

Zexion gave Axel a questioning look.

Axel sighed, "If you haven't noticed yet, he's a geek. He almost worships the internet."

Zexion nodded. "Another topic please. Preferably something that will inspire me."

Roxas held up a bundle of index cards, "Xaldin gave me these. He said I had to solve all the circumstances and he would let me touch his hair."

"You asked to touch his...never mind, I'll drop it." Axel said.

"Xaldin must really think you're an idiot. I salute him for trying to make you smarter in battle, even though he's probably just doing it to earn brownie points." Zexion took the cards from Roxas. "First one, silverware versus guns, who triumphs?"

"That one's easy, guns, duh." Roxas said.

"Wrong." Zexion said. Roxas glared at him. "Hey, don't look at me, these are Xaldin's answers."

Roxas ran to the emo corner to suffer in silence.

Zexion was obviously having an enlightened moment, his eyes were bright and a smile stretched his face. "I know who could find out where our weapons are!"

Axel just stared at him, he wasn't very impressed. "Okay, tell me why you couldn't have just come up with this at another totally random time before the fog of sleep deprivation took over you?"

"This was far from random, Axel. You have Xaldin's genius and stupid questions to thank for my brilliant realization!" Zexion exclaimed.

**Hollow Bastion...**

"Explain to me why we're at Hollow Bastion, again." Axel said. He tapped his foot impatiently against the bailey's stone floor.

Zexion sighed and face-palmed, "We're here to find the wizard."

Demyx attempted the Wizard of Oz theme song on his ukelele. He accomplished a few screeching notes but soon gave up.

"Let's hurry up and try _not_ to attract attention." he said with a pointed look at Demyx. "I want to get out of here before Yuffie catches wind of us, even if she hasn't caught on yet." he shuddered.

Roxas snickered.

"I wonder where the wizard is..." Zexion mused. "If I had my Lexicon I'd know."

"...Do you mean Merlin?" Axel asked.

Zexion nodded.

Roxas walked away with a distant look on his face.

"Roxas! Where the hell are you going!" Axel yelled. He scowled and the group trailed after the blonde.

Roxas stopped in front of a house.

"What was that for?" Axel asked when he caught up to him.

"This is Merlin's house." Roxas said.

"How do you know?" questioned Axel.

"...I-I just had a feeling..."

Zexion eyed Roxas suspiciously. "It's the best lead we have." he said and knocked on the door.

A short old man who was obviously the wizard answered the door, "Yes?"

"Is this the abode of the wizard, Merlin?" Zexion asked politely.

"You're from Organization XIII; I've been researching you..." Merlin said without answering Zexion's question. "What is wrong, something troubles you-"

"No! Axel, don't step on the ant!" Demyx yelled, interrupting Merlin.

Axel rolled his eyes, "I don't care about an ant." He stepped on it, ignoring Demyx's protests.

"You bastard!" Demyx snarled, he summoned his...tennis racket and smacked Axel upside the head. "This tennis racket is actually useful...sorta." Demyx said softly, he dismissed it and quickly started strumming the ukelele, a string broke with a _ting. _He burst into tears for the millionth time.

Zexion cleared his throat, "As you can see, our weapons have been replaced with travesties. My friend is very emotionally attached with his beloved sitar, this recent turn of events has left him distraught."

"Oh! I know what you're talking about. I'll be right back." Merlin said and walked back into his house.

"Where did you get that from, a hallmark card?" Axel asked sarcastically.

"That sounded like something straight out of a soap opera," Roxas said in awe.

Zexion shrugged, "I did audition for The Young and the Restless."

They just stared at him.

"What? Say something!"

"It's probably best if I don't say anything at all." Axel said solemnly.

"What he said," Roxas said.

Merlin came out of his house and said, "You all should have your proper weapons back. I'm terribly sorry. I borrowed your weapons so I could research them and asked a Restoration Committee member to find replacements. I presumed he would find look-alike weapons."

Leon came upon the odd group. He eyed the Organization members suspiciously, he turned to Merlin, "What are they doing here?"

"They are here informing me of my mistake in trusting you with a simple task," Merlin retorted.

Leon raised an eyebrow, "_My _mistake? What exactly did _I_ do wrong?"

"I told you to gather replacement weapons for the members of Organization XIII and I specifically showed you the original weapons." Merlin explained.

Leon scowled, "You didn't tell me to replace them with replicas, I just assumed you meant any random thing."

"So that's how the banana became to be..." Roxas mumbled.

Zexion narrowed his eyes, "When were you planning on returning our original weapons?"

"I should have already done that but Yuffie has me researching where her materia has gone." Merlin answered.

Zexion paled, "I-is she here?"

"No," Leon said, determined to have more dialogue.

"Oh...we should be going," Zexion said, he summoned a portal ran into the darkness.

Axel, Roxas, and Demyx followed.

After they had left Merlin went back to researching the materia thief. Leon was left pouting over the scarce amount of dialogue he had.

**In the darkness...**

_Boom!_

"Was that...thunder?" Axel remarked. A lightning strike hit the ground near them, Axel's hair was magically spiky again. "Yay! My hair!"

"She can't be here, it's too much of a coincidence. I mean, almost meeting two women who really, _really_ want Zexion's head on a stick in the same day? Impossible." Roxas explained.

Zexion rolled his eyes and quickened his pace.

They finally (darkness travel is not as fast as it seems) made it to the portal to the Castle That Never Was, but a familiar figure was blocking their path.

"Larxene!" Demyx squeaked.

She glared at them and barred her teeth.

Everyone ran to the nearest portal.

**Somewhere on Earth...**

"Where are we?" Roxas asked. He looked around and saw fields of soybeans and corn. The grass was green and the sky blue and cloudless. Then...the heat hit him. "Ugh! It's so miserably hot!"

"Yeah, and these coats aren't helping," Demyx agreed.

Axel fanned himself, "It's even a little to hot for me."

"By the scenery, temperature, and time of the year I believe we're on Earth in Ohio." Zexion said.

"Ohio? Isn't that the middle of nowhere? Why is there even a portal here?" Axel asked.

Zexion gave Axel a "duh" look, "There's portals everywhere."

Demyx and Roxas fell to the ground.

"What the...?" Axel fell to the ground.

"Probably heatstroke...should leave now..." he passed out before he could summon a portal.

…

Zexion heard a voice, "Hey, buddy, you awake? Oh, you probably need water..."

He woke with a jolt when the person spilled water on him. "Wha...?" Zexion's vision cleared up and he could see a guy around college age with acne and thick glasses.

"Hey, I'm Eddie."

"What happened?" Zexion said as he sat up, Eddie handed him a bottle of water and Zexion took it gratefully.

"Well, I was on my way home when I say you guys on the side of the road." he offered.

Zexion raised an eyebrow, "Didn't your mother tell you not to talk to strangers? Don't misunderstand me, I'm grateful, but do you stop for every person on the side of the road?"

"I guess you can't recognize me, I'm not wearing my robe today." Eddie said.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Zexion said seriously.

"I'm part of you're frat."

"My...frat?" Zexion echoed.

"Yeah, I can't believe you're wearing the coat today. I mean, I know we're supposed to, but the heat is awful. The elders don't understand this Ohio weather. I heard a rumor that they go to Florida for the summer." Eddie ranted

"Okay, I kinda have to help my companions and get out of here." Zexion said. "It was...er, interesting meeting you."

Eddie checked his watch, "Dang! I'm late! Do you guys have a ride?"

"We're fine."

"Okay, here, some water." Eddie gave Zexion a couple more water bottles. "Stay conscious!" he yelled as he drove away.

"Weird," Zexion muttered. He spilled water on the assorted faces. They all stood up, mumbling under their breath. Zexion opened a portal and herded everyone through.

**The Castle That Never Was...**

Axel, Roxas, and Demyx lounged on the couch when they arrived. Zexion looked around for Xemnas. The whole Organization seemed to be in the Gray area playing with their weapons.

Zexion walked up to Xemnas when he found him. "Superior, may I ask a question?"

Xemnas looked up at him, "Yes, Six, go ahead."

"Where did you get the Organization jackets? I was on Earth and a college student came up to me and told me about 'our' fraternity." Zexion explained.

Xemnas's face reddened. "I believe it was Saix who purchased them, he must have got them at fraternity yard sale." he said, instantly blaming his puppy.

"Well, it doesn't matter, I guess." Zexion muttered and walked away.

**I had to dis Ohio's weather because I'm condemned to live in it. This weekend I'll be heading up to Columbus, I hope northern Ohio is cooler than southern Ohio. I'll admit, it's not _that_ hot, I'm just melodramatic that way. And Xemy bought the Organization coats at a strange frat's yard sale...it's just so unexpected, that's why this is a crackfic.**

**Leon is OC, he's really not _that_ arrogant and stupid.**

**I stole the 'really, really want Zexion's head on a stick' line from Supernatural. Except it was Sam's head...I don't think Lilith even knows about Zexion. She doesn't seem like the video game type...**

**I don't think the espresso is equivalent to nine cups of coffee line is true, I attempted wiki-ing it but my brain is to stupid to try to figure that math equation out today.**

**I didn't explain the silverware+gun=Merlin thing. It was originally a whim of my latest Kuroshitsuji marathon, but it turned into something that actually ties into this chap's plot...kinda. Here it is: **

**silverware + gun = gunblade-gunblade = Leon-Leon = Hollow Bastion-Hollow Bastion = Merlin. **

**Now *drum roll* for the authors note I want you to read...**

**How do you feel about an OC? I want to spice up the plot a bit more. Our wonderful OC's name is Jinx. He wields a bow and arrows spiked with many drugs and poisons that have various affects. Tell me if you don't want him, I know some people (like me, ironic I want to write one, right?) skip the fics about OC's. I may end up writing a new fanfic with him in it, but I could make things so much juicier if he were in this one. XD**

**REVIEW! **


	11. Moogle World Domination

**I've decided to hold off the appearance of the OC for now. I'll probably post it when I run out of chapter ideas. This chappie is sorta a filler chapter, chapter requests are wanted! I do not own Kingdom Hearts, Moogles, Chocobos, Tonberries, Moombas, Cactuars, and Harry Potter.**

Roxas walked into the Gray area to find Axel strangling the Organization Moogle.

"Axel! What the hell are you doing!" Roxas yelled. "That guy is the contact for all my black market dealings!"

Axel ceased killing the helpless Moogle to give Roxas a doubtful look. "You have black market dealings? Do you really expect me to believe that?"

The blondes eyes lit up, "Yay! My innocent face fools you!"

"What?" Axel said with a blank look.

"And my blonde Jedi powers win again!" Roxas exclaimed in triumph. He grabbed the Moogle and said, "This Moogle would follow me even if I left the Organization!"

Axel rolled his eyes, "Like that would happen."

"Foreshadowing!" the Moogle whispered.

They didn't seem to hear the Moogle or see Zexion walking up to them.

Roxas giggled, "IKR?"

"100%!" Axel said.

Zexion stopped and stared at them with wide eyes.

"GTG, C U L8R!" Roxas said energetically.

"K, TTYL," Axel said cheerfully.

Zexion walked away briskly while muttering to himself, "Marluxia must have spiked my breakfast...yeah, that's right. Axel and Roxas would never speak like teenage girls, it must be a trick of the mind...hopefully..."

Engrossed in his musings, Zexion ran into Marluxia. "You!" The Cloaked Schemer pointed an acussing finger at the pink haired fiend. "What did you mean to obtain when you did this to me?"

"Are you talking about your hair cut? I didn't do that to you but I salute whoever did, it makes humiliation so much easier." Marluxia said with a shrug.

"I was talking about drugging me...and what the heck is wrong with my hair!" Zexion exclaimed.

"Drugging you? My tropical roses aren't in bloom at this time of year. And everything is wrong with your hair...dying it and cutting it might help, but maybe you should just stick with a hat." Marluxia finished.

Zexion ran to the emo corner to moan. "Nobody understands my hair...Why the hell was that accursed way of sending messages even made? Children these days...too lazy to even spell out the word 'you'...What has the world come to!" Zexion moaned.

Marluxia smirked and walked out to his garden.

Axel found Zexion in the emo corner, "How did I know you'd be here? I must just be that awesome. Come on, you're needed." Axel grabbed Zexion by the scruff of his jacket.

Zexion squirmed, "Ah...let me down! I am of higher ranking compared to you! Put me down you lowly Eight!"

Axel sighed, "I can't believe you're going all 'original member' on me. I thought you were different from the first five...well, aside from the fact that you're way shorter."

"I am not short!" Zexion erupted.

"Do you _really_ believe that?" Axel asked.

"Yes," Zexion sniffed, "Everyone else is simply abnormally tall."

Axel snickered, "That line is overused by all you short people."

Zexion scowled, "I will say it once more, I am not short! Where the heck are we anyway?"

"Roxas's room...uh, he redecorated." Axel said awkwardly.

The walls were covered with posters of chocobos and moogles. Piles of Chocobo, Moogle, Tonberry, Moooba, and Cactuar plushes lined the walls and were scattered on the bed...which had a Chocobo comforter and Moogle pillowcases.

"It's just a phase..." Axel said, sounding a little distressed.

Roxas and Dem were sitting across from each other on the floor, Roxas looked up at Zexion and smiled. "Nice of you to join us, Zexion. You can sit here, and Axel you sit here," Roxas pointed to either side of him.

Axel dropped Zexion in his 'seat' and sat down next to Roxas.

"Aren't Tonberries those annoying lizard things that can kill in one hit?" Axel asked.

"Yup! But they're so freaking adorable!" Roxas gushed, hugging a Tonberry plush. "And we have tea!"

The tea set was naturally Moogle themed.

Axel mouthed, "Can we go yet?" desperately to Zexion.

Zexion shook his head, mouthing, "This is interesting."

Demyx didn't seem bothered by any of this, unlike Axel, who was rocking back and forth. He kept repeating, "It's just a phase, it's just a phase..."

"Don't forget the hats," Demyx reminded Roxas.

Roxas's eyes widened, "Omigosh, I can't believe I forgot the _hats_." He turned around and grabbed four hats, decorated with various animals and bright colors. He took a pink hat with images of dancing Chocobos wearing fedoras.

Demyx gasped, "They're so cute! Give me mine!"

Roxas handed Demyx a hat featuring sleeping Moogles with night caps on. He held out a hat to Axel and another to Zexion. Zexion's hat had Cactuars with aprons, Axel's hat was Tonberries with brightly colored cloaks and chainsaws instead of knives.

Axel whimpered.

Zexion motioned urgently to the door.

Axel nodded.

Zexion counted down and ran out of the room, Axel was already in front of him.

They ran to the Gray area, gasping and out of breath.

"What the heck is wrong with him?" Zexion asked Axel.

"Why are you asking me? You're the smart one." Axel exclaimed.

"Er...you're Roxas's best friend." Zexion retorted.

"Well, I obviously have no idea, that's why I made you come with me." Axel explained.

Zexion stared at him, "...You mean I didn't have to go? I got dragged out of my emoing just because you were freaked out!"

"Putting it bluntly..." Axel said nervously.

Zexion promptly had a tantrum worthy of a three year old Ienzo who had to wait for the seventh Harry Potter book to come out.

"Oh, jeez, it wasn't that bad." Axel said.

Zexion abruptly stopped screaming and crossed his arms, "I was also confused at why he gave you the Tonberry hat."

Axel facepalmed, "I can't believe you even care about the hats."

"Tonberries trump over anything." Zexion said solemnly.

Axel rolled his eyes, "Bitch, please, Moombas rule the world."

"I just realized that Roxas didn't have a Moomba hat..." Zexion mused.

Axel nodded, "I know, it's almost treason."

Zexion cleared his throat, "We need to get back on topic. When did Roxas redecorate?"

Axel shrugged, "He hid the Organization Moogle from me, I was trying to kill it."

"That's it! This must be the Organization Moogle's doing...wait, you were trying to kill it?" Zexion said.

"It stole my hair gel. Do Moogles even have that kind of power?" Axel asked.

"Um...maybe." He summoned the Lexicon. "Lexicon, anything on Moogles?"

**Try page 321.**

Zexion nodded and flipped to that page.

_...Moogles hate pompom ruffling. The Moogles run shops and appear in just about every world. No one is knowledgeable of the extent of the Moogles abilities..._

Zexion sighed. "According to the Lexicon the extent of the Moogle's abilities are unknown."

"What about Vexen?" Axel said.

"You just might be right! This reeks of one of Vexen's sick experiments." Zexion said. "We should go talk to him."

Axel nodded and summoned his chakrams.

Zexion and Axel entered Vexen's lab to find him talking to the Organization Moogle.

"Just give me some more time," he pleaded.

"Sorry, kupo, that can't happen." the Moogle said heartlessly.

"I've already slipped the potion to Thirteen, he'll eat anything I give him, sadly the other members are more wary. I know I'll be able to do it, by tomorrow night."

"It needs to be done tonight, kupo. Moogle world domination must start with this one." the Moogle said. "I must go now." the Moogle disappeared.

Axel and Zexion stormed up to Vexen.

"What is this all about?" Zexion asked cooly.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Vexen said icily.

Axel rolled his eyes, "We heard the Moogle, what the hell did you do to Roxas?"

He scowled. "It was a simple mind altering potion," Vexen said with a shrug.

"Is there an antidote?" Axel asked.

"Of course there is, but do you really expect me to hand it over?"

"If you don't hand it over I'll be telling Yuffie Kisaragi who has her materia." Zexion threatened.

"I can't believe you stole _Yuffie Kisaragi's _materia." Vexen slumped in defeat and handed a vial filled with smokey liquid to Zexion.

"Why did agree to this? Moogle world domination, seriously?" Zexion asked, pocketing the vial.

Vexen glared at Zexion then answered, "I owe the Moogle."

Zexion smirked, "You should try completing more missions, it's amazing what you can earn."

Axel muttered, "Lazy ass," in Vexen's direction and followed Zexion out of the room.

"I didn't know Moogles were into that world domination thing," Axel said as he and Zexion walked to Roxas's room.

Zexion shrugged, "I didn't know what the heck was going on either, Moogles usually seem content with swindling money out of their customers."

They made it to the door of Roxas's room, after a silence Zexion said, "You knock."

Axel scowled and hesitantly knocked on the door.

Roxas opened it and said, "Yay! You guys came back."

"Here Roxas, drink this," Zexion handed the vial of antidote to Roxas.

"Ooh, will this make me high!" Roxas asked, sounding like he was already high.

"Ur...sure!" Zexion said.

Roxas downed the antidote in a single swig. He frowned, "You lied, this just gave me a headache."

"Yes! Forever happy Roxas is gone!" Axel exclaimed and hugged Roxas.

"Ow, headache, remember?"

"Sorry," Axel said and released the blonde.

Roxas turned around, "What the f*** happened to my room!"

"You don't remember?" Zexion asked, surprised.

Roxas glared at Zexion, "Do I look like I remember? What happened?"

Zexion gave Roxas the CliffNotes version.

Roxas looked around the room, "I think I'm gonna keep the Chocobos."

"I call all the Moombas," Axel said.

Roxas said, "Er, oka-"

"I'll be taking my Tonberries," Zexion said, and proceeded to gather every tonberry.

"Can I have the Moogles!" Demyx asked.

"Didn't you just hear what the Moogles are planning," Roxas asked.

"Nope!" Demyx answered.

Roxas shrugged, "Uh...whatever, but the Cactuars feel unloved."

"They are unloved," Zexion said simply.

**Haha, Cactus _are_ unloved (Well, in my point of view.) I love Tonberries! I'm planning on chapters solely about Tonberries and Chocobos (This is my Moogle chapter.), but I don't want to have them in a row...****I totally dissed Vexen, he has the shortest chair and creeps the heck out of me. Anyway, REVIEW, I want your thoughts on this chapter and future chapters. :D**


	12. Mail Day aka Axel Day

**It's mail day in the Organization! Short note at the bottom, please read. I do not own Kingdom Hearts, MacBooks, Twilight, or Pokemon. (Read in knowledge that I know virtually nothing about Pokemon.)**

"Yay! It's mail day!" Axel said and spun around gleefully.

Roxas sighed, "Don't remind me."

"You get a lot more fan mail compared to the some of the other members, Roxas. Maybe you should try gloating," Axel said.

"Axel, you do enough gloating for everyone in the Organization," Zexion said, after dragging his bag of fan mail over to the couch where Roxas and Axel were.

"Seven!" Luxord shouted. Saix went up to him to receive his bag of fan mail.

Zexion shook his head, "I wonder what Luxord did to tick Xemnas off."

"He probably beat him in poker again," Axel said, "I'll ask him—when I'm up there getting my _bags_."

"You'd think Xemnas would get smart and never play a gambling game with Luxord again." Roxas said, ignoring Axel's boasting.

"Eight!" Luxord said, he sounded slightly more ticked off when he called Axel's number.

Axel came back with a satisfied smile on his face, "Did you know that about 5% of the world's weekly paper usage is used to write fan mail to your's truly?"

"I thought it was 4% last week?" Roxas said, narrowing his eyes.

"It was, but I guess that 1% finally made it to the part in Kingdom Hearts 2 when I died." Axel shrugged, "My death must have had a very large impact on the world."

"Slackers, the game has been released for six years," Zexion said.

"I had a sucky roll in Kingdom Hearts 2," Roxas pouted.

Axel had already started reading his fan mail, ignoring Roxas's sulking.

"The emo corner is open," Zexion said to Roxas.

"Thanks," Roxas said bitterly and fled to the safety of the corner.

Axel held up a set of miniature chakrams, "Look at these Zexion, aren't they just so damn adorable?"

Zexion sighed, realizing that he was left alone with Axel. "Demyx!" he shouted, when he saw the blonde receiving his mail.

Demyx came over and started sorting his mail along with the other members.

Roxas finally came back once his number had been called.

They sorted through their fan mail, occasionally announcing what a random fangirl or fanboy gave them.

"Omigosh!" Demyx squealed.

"What did you get?" Roxas asked.

"A Vaporeon," Demyx said and proudly held up the plush.

"Why does everyone give you the Pokemon?" Roxas asked.

Axel rolled his eyes, "I told you, Roxas. If you accept the offer to be on Oprah you could tell everyone that you're the Pokemon geek, and not Demyx."

"I'm not going on Oprah. Luxord watches that and every episode a small part of his manhood dies inside, I _do not _want to know what being _on_ the show could do to me," Roxas said firmly.

Demyx squealed in delight, "It's so cute!"

"What is it this time?" Roxas asked wearily.

"Well, I actually don't know this one." Demyx said.

Roxas gave the Pokemon plush a quick glance and started hyperventilating.

Demyx watched Roxas curiously, "...?"

"That's one of the most well known Pokemon, how can you even accept those plushes!" Roxas exclaimed once he recovered from his brief seizure. He then stole the Squirtle from Demyx and held it protectively.

Nobody said anything, after a prolonged awkward silence they went back to sorting their fan mail.

"Zexion, what do you do with all those books?" Demyx asked, noticing the growing pile of assorted novels.

"I usually read it and keep it—if I haven't already. The doubles get sold on e-bay." Zexion said.

"How much money do you make that way?" Roxas asked.

"Not much," Zexion sighed. "I say that I'm Zexion from Organization XIII but nobody believes me. It's really not worth selling all these Twilight books I have, it's so much work."

Axel and Roxas burst into laughter.

With tears in his eyes Roxas said, "You sounded so out of character!"

"Just like Demyx!" Axel said and doubled over.

Zexion grumbled something that vaguly sounded like, "freaks", and threw a bag of discarded fan mail and Twilight books at Axel. "You have free reign."

Axel took a handful of letters and handed some to Roxas, they started reading.

"Er...do you guys always read my discarded letters?" Zexion asked.

"Yup, theres a lot of juicy blackmail material in here," Roxas said.

Axel burnt the letter had read, "Some of this is just boring, but other letters might have some good stuff." He skimmed over the letter in Roxas's hands and quickly covered the blonde's eyes, "But some of it is _too_ good. So good that I have to burn it."

Roxas scowled and brushed Axel's hand away.

Axel gave Roxas another pile of letters after burning the racy letter and went back to reading the one in his hand.

Demyx yawned and stretched, "I think I'll keep my fan mail for Ariel, she seems to be getting bored."

"Do you mean in the water?" Zexion asked.

Demyx rolled his eyes, "Well, duh, the mermaid does live in the water."

"Well, duh, paper deteriorates in water," Zexion said, imitating Demyx.

Demyx grumbled something and handed his already-read fan mail to Axel.

Axel looked greedily at the piles of paper he was actually _allowed_ to burn. "Burn...burn...BURN!" he yelled with a pyromaniac glint in his eyes.

Roxas slapped him, "Outside, Axel."

The glazed look disappeared, "Oh, right..."

"Come on Axel, I'll show you," Roxas said and dragged Axel to the balcony.

Zexion and Demyx gathered the Organization's discarded fan mail and brought it outside to Axel. They dumped it all into a pile and stood on the sidelines with Roxas as Axel set it aflame.

"This has got to be the tallest bonfire ever," Demyx said, looking at the tall column of flames.

"Not really," Zexion said, reading from the Lexicon, "The tallest bonfire ever measured 142 feet and 6.2 inches, or 43.44 meters tall." He dismissed the Lexicon and stared up at the bonfire.

"Axel enjoys this way too much," Roxas said.

Axel was skipping around the flames and cackling madly.

"He gets to gloat about being the 'most popular Organization member' and he gets to burn things, the Superior should just rename mail days 'Axel Day'" Demyx said.

Zexion shushed him and pointed to the camcorder in his hand.

Demyx nodded.

After five minutes of Axel's pyromaniac dance Zexion stopped the recorder and hurried inside to upload it to YouTube. Roxas and Demyx followed him.

Zexion was on the Macbook in the Gray area uploading the video with Demyx and Roxas behind him.

"I can't wait to see what Axel does when he sees the video on the internet and how many hits it'll get!" Roxas said.

"Er...who's watching Axel?" Demyx said.

Zexion looked up at Roxas in alarm, "You left Axel _alone_? He's going to burn the castle down."

"You guys act like Axel is a three year old." Roxas rolled his eyes.

Zexion stared at him.

"...I hate to break it to you but Axel is kind of a three year old." Demyx said hesitantly.

"I'm not a total idiot, I have the baby monitor to keep an eye on him." Roxas said and held up the baby monitor with a screen showing Axel.

Vexes walked in, "What are you three imbeciles doing?"

Zexion coughed, "Two."

"Excuse me?" Vexen said.

"I believe you meant two imbeciles," Zexion said.

"I believe I spoke correctly the first time, _three_ imbeciles," Vexen said firmly.

"Are you saying I'm an idiot?" Zexion said angrily. "I mean I understand Roxas and Demyx, but me?"

"Hey!" Roxas protested.

"We're not idiots!" Demyx said.

Vexen scowled, "I'll ask once more, what are you doing?"

"We're uploading a video of Axel onto YouTube," Roxas said after a minute.

"Are you an idiot! Didn't you hear Xemnas's last announcement in the Round Room?" Vexen said.

"I can't understand anything Xemnas says..." Roxas said quietly.

"The firewall is down, anyone could track us if anything is uploaded to the internet." Vexen said impatiently.

"Anyone being a random pack of fangirls and fanboys," Demyx said in the silence.

"That's the worst cast scenario," Vexen said, massaging his temple. "I have to inform the Superior." He walked briskly out of the room.

Roxas and Demyx gave Zexion a degrading look.

Zexion glared back at them.

"Wow, Zexion, it isn't like you to put the whole Organization in danger, that's more of Axel's job," Demyx said, sounding fake impressed.

Zexion facedesked. "I didn't know, no one except Saix and obviously Vexen listens to the Superior when he rants anyway." he moaned.

Roxas shrugged, "We'll just leave him to the fangirls, I think that's an appropriate punishment."

Zexion scowled, "Vexen was probably just overreacting, the fangirls would still have to get through the computer's basic security to track us, and I doubt they try to hack this computer 24/7.

"You're still never going to hear the end of this," Roxas said ominously.

**Sorry this was kinda short, the next chapter is EnAbyss's request—the fangirls attack! (Riku and Sora will be in the next chapter also) Alright, I'm advertising for EnterAbyss29.91's new KH fanfic (yay, I finally got her to write one). It's called _Legasp!_, and it's a parody...oh, and I'm in it! :D**


	13. Squall Leonhart to the Rescue

**You all get hugs for giving me over forty reviews! Er...let's just say that there is a cease fire between Sora&co and the Organization. Warning: Sora and Riku are stereotyped, so, Sora is an idiot and Riku is gay. References to Final Fantasy VIII, but all you really need to know is who Rinoa is. I do not own Kingdom Hearts, PlayStation, Nintendo, or the mentioned games. (Well, kinda, I have a PS2, both of the mentioned games, and a Nintendo DS lite...and yes, it is pink...just like Riku's.)**

Roxas yawned. He was sitting on the balcony in a green, cheap plastic lawn chair watching Axel from slitted eyes. It was around midnight, Axel had been obsessed with the mail day fire for at least ten hours. It was campfire size now, well, as campfire size it could get with the behemoth pile of ashes.

Demyx had stayed outside with Roxas for a while after dinner but had gone to bed a couple hours ago. Zexion was probably still awake and fretting over fangirls hacking the computer and tracking them down.

Roxas sat up in the lawn chair, "Come on, Axel. It's getting late."

Axel suddenly stopped doing his strange fire dance and cackling to turn around and look at Roxas. "Er...sure."

Roxas squinted, "What's wrong with you?"

Axel shifted from side to side, "Nothing, I just feel kinda weird."

Roxas sighed, "It's probably because you just came out of your ten hour trance. I swear, you were possessed." He looked toward the castle with longing, "Come on, I want to go to bed."

Axel followed him into the castle, they found Zexion sitting on the couch. He was staring at the main entrance to the room intently.

"Hey, Zexion," Roxas said with a half-hearted wave.

Zexion yelped and jumped up, when he saw who it was he scowled. "Don't sneak up on me."

"We weren't...never mind," Roxas said, sensing Zexion's grumpiness.

Suddenly, the door opened and two all too familiar faces ran in.

Zexion jumped up and yelled, "Ah! Oh...it's just you two, wait, what the hell are you doing here?"

Sora and Riku shut the door and barred it with furniture. They were red-faced and out of breath but Sora still managed to give Zexion a response, "They...were a-after us..."

"We...came here...for cover..." Riku finished.

Zexion groaned, "Don't tell me you were running from a flock of rampaging chocobos...again."

Sora shook his head vigerously, "It's worse."

"Fangirls..." Riku wheezed.

Zexion gasped, "And you ran _here_, you idiot, they're probably joining forces with other fangirls and planning siege on the Castle. They'll find a weak spot and breach the Castle's defenses, we'll be sitting ducks."

Marluxia just came into the Gray area from his garden, he stared at Riku and Sora with a perplexed expression.

"He makes them sound so nefarious and organized," Roxas whispered to Axel.

"Yeah, almost militaristic," Axel whispered back with slitted, suspicious eyes. "I think he's paranoid."

Zexion whirled around to face Axel and Roxas. "What are you two whispering about! Are you planning to overthrow the Organization? Or...or-"

Marluxia inturupted him with a nervous laught, "Overthrowing the Organization? Who said anything about overthrowing the Organization? Haha, that's ridiculous...ha...ha..." he said with shifty eyes.

"Er...does Marluxia seem to be acting suspicious?" Axel asked Roxas quietly.

"Yeah, but Marluxia always is sort of suspicious...right?" Roxas replied.

"Especially with his pink hair and scythe," Axel said.

"Agh! The whispering again!" Zexion moaned.

Roxas put his hands up in surrender, "Okay, Zexion, no more whispering, I promise."

Zexion glared at Sora and Riku who were connecting their PlayStation 2 to the TV.

"You didn't think we'd leave Ada to the fangirls?" Sora said, noticing his glare.

Zexion's eye twitched, "You named your PlayStation...Ada?" he said in a strained voice.

"And the Nintendo DS is named Ichi," Riku said, holding up his pink Nintendo DS lite.

Zexion facepalmed.

"One question," Marluxia said, "What are _they_ doing here?" He pointed to Riku and Sora.

"Hiding," Sora said seriously.

"Okay..." Marluxia said and walked over to the flower pots he had put in the Gray area to tend to them.

Sora started to play Resident Evil 4, "Pretty...blood." He looked up to find Zexion, Roxas, Axel, and even Marluxia staring at him strangely, he shrugged and returned to playing.

"Get used to it," Riku said without looking up from his Zelda game on the Nintendo.

"I'm going to bed," Roxas said and started walking to his room.

Sora jumped up from the PlayStation and latched onto Roxas's leg, "Noooo! Don't leave me, that game is scary, please Roxy!"

Roxas glared daggers at Axel and Zexion who were cracking up, "...Fine, but don't call me that ever again." He flipped off Axel and Zexion and sat on the couch once Sora let him go.

Axel lounged next to Roxas and said, "Can I call you...Roxy-kins?"

"Hell no, if you do I'll chop you into pieces with Oathkeeper and Oblivion then feed the pieces to Cerberus," Roxas said with narrowed eyes.

Axel patted his head, "Now don't get worked up over nothing."

The door barred with furniture rattled.

"They're here!" Zexion squeaked.

Marluxia looked up from his flowers in alarm, "Who?"

"Fangirls," Zexion said in a fearful voice.

"Don't worry, I have a unlimited missile launcher," Sora said.

"That's in your game, Sora," Riku groaned.

"Well, in that case, we're screwed," Sora said, unhooked the PlayStation from the TV and clutched it to his chest. "Where do we hide?"

The door burst open in a blast of light and heat. Ash was drifting in the air. Surprisingly, the fangirls didn't charge. A single person entered the room and cackled madly, "Finally, we've found you...Riku."

Riku whimpered.

She turned to the rest of the fangirls, "Okay, Two, you can have Axel. Three, Roxas. Four, Zexion. Five, Marluxia. Six, Sora. I get Riku. The rest of you look in every other room for the rest of them, and don't fight. Now...get moving!"

Roxas hung his head, "They've got us surrounded...damn." A fangirl, obviously number three, came up and tied him to a chair in the Gray area.

"You can take me, just, please, spare Ada!" Sora moaned to the leader.

The fangirl leader blinked, "Er...you named your PlayStation, Ada?"

Sora nodded and held the PlayStation out to her, "Just keep her safe."

She took it from him and suddenly jumped in victory, "Yes! Now I can play Kingdom Hearts II at home. I won't have to leech off of other people to play PlayStation!"

"..."

The fangirls tied up every Kingdom Heart character in the room. The rest of the Organization was taken to the Gray area and tied up also.

The fangirl leader stroked Riku's cheek then ruffled his hair. "So...pretty...hair," she said.

Riku cringed. "Well, this isn't awkward at all," he said sarcastically.

Scissors randomly appeared in her hand and she slowly lifted them to Riku's hair, murmuring about his hair while she did so.

"No! Not the hair! You can have Ichi, just anything but the hair!" he said with wide-eyes.

Sora shook his head in defeat, "How could you Riku...how could you?"

_Wow, it's true, he's really gay to the umpteenth power. _Roxas thought.

She regarded the pink Nintendo with narrowed eyes, "Hmmm, well, I guess your hair is really only dead cells...and nobody'll believe it's _your_ hair anyway. I would definitely pawn the DS for more than the hair, and I'll get some playing time in before I get bored. But...it's Riku's hair." she thought aloud.

A fangirl came up to her in the middle of her musing, "Excuse me, but er...what should we do with the rest of them?" She gestured to the rest of the Organization and Sora.

The leader blinked, "Oh, I don't really care, you have free reign. Go ahead and give them the word, Thirty-two."

The fangirl known as Thirty-two smiled triumphantly and yelled, "Free reign on the Organization and Sora!"

The room was filled with the cheers of the fangirls as they proceeded to tear at the said characters' clothes and hair. The popular members were engulfed in a sea of bodies, while the more unpopular had only a few fangirls squealing over them.

The leader gave Riku a scrutinizing look and sighed, "You get to keep your hair today..."

Riku sighed in relief.

"...but...you're still my prisoner." she finished with a malicious laugh. Then she finally noticed the number the fangirls were doing on the rest of the Organization...and Sora. She held up her hands, "Hey, stop!" When they didn't listen to her she snarled, "STOP...or else!"

All the fangirls froze and turned their heads to stare at their leader with wide, fearful eyes.

She glared at them, "What did I say about overdoing it? Well...? What did I say, Thirty-five?"

Thirty-five gulped and in a quiet voice said, "You said to not overdo it..."

"Correct!" the leader said and smiled triumphantly. "But you all ignored my orders and overdid it! Look at poor Axel over their, _that _is overdoing it!" She pointed at Axel, who was wearing what looked like scraps of black material and whose hair looked vaguely like Cloud Strife's.

"Well, what should we do," said a fangirl in the back of the crowd.

The leader glared at her and she cringed, regretting speaking up. But the leader shrugged, "Hmm, I don't know...what _should_ we do?"

**Outside of the Castle That Never Was...**

"Where the hell is Cloud!" Leon hissed to the other members of the rescue party.

"Here," Cloud said in a bored tone, walking up to the group.

Leon's eyes narrowed. "You're late," he stated simply.

"Whatever," the blonde scowled.

"That's _my_ line," Leon snapped, his hair stood on end like a startled cat.

"Believe me, we all know that," Yuffie said, rolling her eyes. She tossed her shuriken in the air impatiently.

"Imitation is the highest form of flattery," Aerith said in a sing-song voice.

Cloud smirked.

Leon said, "Cloud, if you don't take this seriously I'll personally kick you ass when we get back to Hollow Bastion."

"Violence is not the answer," Aerith said firmly but sweetly to Leon.

Leon resisted the urge to turn his gunblade on the stoic blonde, "Everyone ready?"

"I've been ready, Squally!" Yuffie answered charismatically.

Aerith nodded and gripped her stave tighter.

Cloud grunted.

Leon rolled his eyes and slowly opened the Castle's main door.

The odd group filed into the quiet entrance and finally found a room with the lights on.

They stood a couple feet from the entrance. The door was cracked and Leon could just barely see the tip of Sora's spikes. That was all he needed for conformation, "This is it."

"So, what's the plan, Fearless Leader?" Yuffie whispered.

Leon started, "...We—"

He was interrupted by Cloud, who brushed past him into the room.

"He's stealing my spotlight!" Leon hissed angrily under his breath and followed Cloud with Yuffie and Aerith trailing behind him.

Cloud stood in front of the door, frozen with shock. Leon and the others joined him.

Half of the Organization was nearly completely unrecognizable under the ensemble they were presumably forced into. Most of the outfits were Lolita style, with oversized bows of various colors, while the rest were hardcore drag, with sparkles, glitter, rhinestones, and neon.

Cloud backed up behind Leon, content to let the Fearless Leader handle this.

Luckily, Leon snapped out of his funk when he realized that not one fangirl in the room was paying attention to him. As much as he hated fangirls in general, the attention was nice. He cleared his throat loudly.

The fangirl leader spared a glance, her brow furrowed, "Let's see...isn't it...Lion, right?"

He glared at her, "Try again."

"Oh, I know! You're with Cloud, Aerith, and Yuffie so you must be Vincent Valentine!" she said excitedly.

Leon's eye twitched.

She smiled sheepishly, "Sorry, don't know who you are."

Leon spread his arms out dramtically, "I am Squall Leonhart of..." He went on like this for about an hour, telling the poor fangirl leader about his entire life.

She yawned and opened her eyes when she heard him cease talking, "Oh, your Leon."

"Yes," Leon said and nodded.

"Sorry didn't recognize ya," she said in a detached voice.

He threw his hands up in the air, "How can you not recognize me! I am the main protagonist in the eighth installment of a gazillion dollar RPG series. I have a bad ass weapon, oh, and while we're on the subject of asses, fangirls swoon over mine."

She blinked, "...We'll that wasn't awkward at all," she muttered sarcastically. "Why are you here exactly anyway?"

"..." Leon looked behind him at Aerith.

"Rescue party," she whispered.

He nodded and turned to the fangirl, "We're here to rescue them," he pointed. "And what the hell are they doing to them anyway?"

"We're dressing them up. And I'm afraid you won't be able to rescue them, even _I_ wouldn't try to take Axel away from those fangirls," she said seriously.

He sighed, "Fine, I'll have to use force." He pointed the gunblade at Axel and said, "Surrender him and he'll live."

The fangirls around him backed away from Axel quickly and ran out of the room, one was sobbing, "No! Don't scar his precious face!"

Leon did this with every Organization member...and Sora. When he got to Riku the fangirl leader shielded him and said, "Sorry, Squally, but Riku's _mine_"

"Leon," he corrected, "Anyway, I don't see what your going to do to stop me."

She rolled her eyes and attached a weapon to her wrist that looked a lot like a certain someones...

Leon gasped, "Rinoa!"

"Who?" she asked, confused.

Leon smiled and walked toward her, "You must be Rinoa's reincarnation."

The fangirl leader held her hands up, "Whoa, buddy. Who the heck is Rinoa?"

He walked closer.

"Okaaayy, that's close enough!" she said, backing up behind the tied up Riku. Her breath was faster.

He walked toward her.

"Creep," she breathed and ran out of the Castle.

"...Weird, but strangely effective," Cloud said, breaking the awkward silence that had fallen upon the room.

"...Thanks," Leon said quietly, his face was downcast.

"Let's just help them shall we?" Aerith said, gesturing to the captives.

"Finally!" Axel said.

**I love my arrogant Squall, he's starting to grow on me, but I think I was kinda mean to him in the end. Poor Squally, he's just...confused. The fangirl leader was based vaguely off of EnAbyss, but vaguely, she'd never hear the end of it if she ever mistaken Squall or Vincent for anyone else but themselves. ;3 REVIEW...or else Squally won't hug you. **


	14. Male Bonding and Fanboys

**Aww, I love your guys' reviews, they make my day. :) The fangirl chapter isn't over!...In a way, this chapter contains fanboys! Be afraid, be very, very afraid. **

**Did you know that Urban Dictionary's top voted definition for 'fangirl' is: **A rabid breed of human female who is obsessed with either a fictional character or an actor. Similar to the breed of fanboy. Fangirls congregate at anime conventions and live journal. Have been known to glomp, grope, and tackle when encountering said obsessions.

**So, I guess fangirls are a rabid breed of human...hehe. Anyway, I do not own the rights to Resident Evil, the Final Fantasy series, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio, the Kane Chronicles (by Rick Riordan), Star Wars, Kingdom Hearts, or anything else that's copyrighted or people.**

"...", Leon stared at Aerith and Yuffie who were adjusting the oversized fuchsia bow on Sora's head. Sora was grinning from ear to ear as the two girls fussed over the state of his outfit.

"Aww, you look so adorable!" Aerith gushed, pinching Sora's cheek.

Yuffie straightened his skirts, "This color looks so cute on you!"

Aerith looked over at the pile of discarded dresses and accessories that the fangirls had forced on the others. "Ooh, there might be something else Sora would be able to wear." she said, her eyes glinting mischievously.

Yuffie bounced to the pile, "Sora will look even cuter when we're finished with him!" She tore through the pile with Aerith.

Leon looked at Sora suspiciously, Sora smirked and stuck his tongue out.

"You're enjoying this way to much," Leon said, glaring at Sora.

Sora shrugged, "You don't have anyone obsessing over you."

"Uh...theres Cloud," Leon stuttered.

"Cloud's brooding in the emo corner, and he doesn't obsess over anything but the 'darkness'," Sora said with air quotes.

"Everyone secretly obsesses over me, even you, they just don't know it." Leon retorted.

Sora rolled his eyes and in a sing-song voice he said, "I don't see you in a dress."

Leon glared at him then smirked smugly, "We should be leaving soon, so unless you want to walk through the World That Never Was in your current garb I suggest you change."

Sora looked horrified for a moment then he recovered. "I think Riku and I are going to hang here for a little bit, anyway," Sora sniffed.

Leon's jaw dropped, "We came here to rescue _you,_ believe me, this wasn't for the Organization."

"Hey, Riku! Wanna stay here longer!" Sora shouted, ignoring Leon.

Riku had ran into one of the Organization member's bedrooms the moment he had been released and was now walking around in in his former Organization attire, blindfold included. "Sora...where are you?" he said and with his arms stretched out in a classic sleepwalker position bumped into Leon. "No! My hair!" Riku said and pulled down the blind fold and pulled out a hand mirror.

"..." Leon looked at Sora.

Sora coughed, "Um, Riku, where'd you get the mirror?"

Riku finished fixing it, then re-fixing it, and fixing it again. "Er...Saix's room."

Saix choked on the water he was drinking, "_What!"_

"Nothing!" Riku said quickly.

"Well? Are we staying here?" Sora asked Riku.

"I didn't hear one of us invite you," Saix muttered under his breath.

"Let them stay, all of them, I don't care," Xemnas grumbled from the couch. He was sitting with a icepack to his forehead. "I'll let you handle this situation, Saix."

Saix straightened, "Yes, Superior."

"I guess we could stay here, but I have to call my tailor," Riku said, "Does anyone have a cell phone?"

"...Talior?" Sora said, the perfect best friend image was destroyed when Sora finally realized how vain and possibly gay Riku was. Sora crumpled into a ball and buried his head in his skirts.

"Is it the french tailor in Hollow Bastion?" Leon asked Riku.

Riku nodded, "Jacque is the only person I trust with my wardrobe.

"He's the only one who knows how to handle my leather," Leon says.

Sora silently sobs.

Riku nods, "I understand, only a few select tailors can work with leather."

"I'm so glad you understand my pain," Leon said emotionally. "But you have to understand it, poor thing, you must have the same problem with your hair."

Riku tears up, "I know! If anything happened to my hairdresser I'd have to become a hermit so no one would see me, and that would be horrible because I'm like Tinkerbell, I can't live without social interaction even though I give of the loner demeanor!"

Leon and Riku hug.

Sora dies inside.

Cloud suddenly pulls Leon away from Riku and hisses, "MINE!"

"..." The whole room stares at Cloud.

"...Not in that way," Cloud says awkwardly, "Leon is just not allowed to get mushy with Riku."

Everyone nods like that made perfect sense.

"But he understands my pain!" Leon said.

Cloud threw his hands in the air, "And you don't think I understand it! Do you _really_ believe that this comes natural and _isn't_ a dye job!" he points to his hair. "If you weren't so arrogant and self-obsessed you might also notice that I wear leather to!"

"...Is that really a dye job?" Leon asked, studying Cloud's hair.

Cloud shifted uncomfortably, "I'm not supposed to say anything about that. But I have to spend at least two hours styling it."

Leon nodded, impressed.

"What about me! I must suffer with my hair to make it this flawless every morning to!" Marluxia whined.

Everybody ignored him.

"There's something wrong with Sora!" Riku said. "Despite the fact that he's in a dress."

Yuffie poked Sora, she frowned and took out a stuffed chocobo, "Sora! Look! It's Boco! " She waved the stuffed bird in front of Sora's face but he didn't react. The ninja paled, "This is bad...very, very bad."

Aerith felt the brunet's forehead and said, "It's probably emotional shock, we should bring him back to Hollow Bastion. A familiar environment will be good for him."

"Maybe we should put on his Resident Evil game, he has at least two days worth of hours logged onto there." Riku said and snickered.

Aerith glared at him.

"Or not." Riku said hastily.

"Yes, please leave, and take _him_ with you," Saix said, pointing to Zexion.

"_Me?_" Zexion squeaked, he was still attempting to get the rhine stone encrusted bows out of his hair.

Marluxia snickered, then winced in pain.

Zexion recovered from his shock and turned to Axel and Roxas. He muttered, "I swear I'll tell the Superior every joke or offensive thing you two said about him unless you defend me."

Roxas and Axel visibly paled. They had said some _bad_ things about the Superior.

"Come on, Saix. Zexion gets a lot more work done around here than most of us put together," Axel said, nervously.

"Six, caused this mess," Saix said darkly.

"I agree with Saix, Six should go," Xemnas said.

"Bu-but I'd miss him!" Roxas said, and threw himself on the floor to fake sob all the more dramatically.

"Fine, if you two would miss him so much then you should go with him," the Superior said and yawned.

Roxas dropped the innocent blond act and stood up in fury. "WHAT! I AM THE KEY OF DESTINY, ORGANIZATION XIII'S XIII. IF YOU GOT RID OF ME IT WOULDN'T BE ORGANIZATION XIII, IT BE ORGANIZATION XII. I AM TOO IMPORTANT TO BE THROWN AWAY!"

"..." Roxas cleared his throat and crossed his arms.

"We'll take them, everyone is allowed in Hollow Bastion. Even dead people and/or evil psychopaths like Sephiroth and me." Aerith said, smiling.

"Help yourself," Xemnas said.

Roxas slumped in defeat, he wasn't used to being denied when he used his blond Jedi powers.

Aerith looked at Leon and Cloud.

They wordlessly grabbed the three reject Organization members. Leon took Axel and Cloud grabbed both Zexion and Roxas since they were the shortest and he was the mako enhanced one.

The 'rescue party' exited the Gray area with five more people. They walked down the hallways and found the front door.

"Is there anyone out there?" Leon hissed.

Yuffie sighed and muttered something that sounded like, "Paranoid, vain, self-obsessed bastard." She opened the door a crack and peeked out. She stiffened and closed the door quickly, her eyes were wide and her breathing erratic.

"What is it?" Cloud asked.

She slowly turned her head to the side, "Fanboys."

The 'rescue party' immediately ran back to the Gray area.

"What are you doing here!" Saix roared, his heart wasn't in the cease fire between the two groups.

"They're here...staring," Yuffie said slowly.

"Is it the fangirls again?" Xemnas asked, annoyed.

"Worse." Leon said.

"Why do I feel like I've been through this dialogue before?" Axel asked no one in particular.

Roxas just glared at him. Zexion was dead to the world after being kicked out of the Organization.

"A flock of rampaging chocobos?" Larxene asked.

"Have the moogles gone on strike!" Luxord asked.

"Locusts! Nooooo! They'll eat my flowers!" Marluxia gasped.

"Well, they're mixing it up a bit," Axel said, he kicked Leon's leg and Leon let him go.

"Sparkly vampires?" Xigbar asked.

"Voldemort?" Lexaeus said.

Demyx gasped, "Don't say his name!"

"Fan moms?" Xaldin asked.

Vexen gasped dramatically, "No! Don't tell me it's the coffee apocalypse!"

"..."

"No, it's fanboys." Leon said.

Everyone gasped, Vexen just shrugged, fanboys weren't as bad as the coffee apocalypse.

The Organization burst into action, blocking all the entries with bricks and cement. The windows were borded and furniture was pushed against the bricked up entries.

The Hollow Bastion crew blinked, astonished by the efficiency the Organization had when it was actually working together.

Zexion even woke himself up to help, casting illusions of two giant nobodies guarding the Castle entrance.

When every defense was up the Organization spit into groups to play card, talk, etc.

"Er...?" Cloud said.

"This happens way to often," Axel explained. He started dealing cards between Zexion, Roxas, and himself. "You might as well sit down, all the fanboys do is stare, but if they ever decide to advance it'll be you-know-what all over again."

Leon snorted, "You-know-what, seriously?"

Axel shrugged, "No one was feeling original that day."

"What exactly happened?" Yuffie asked.

"Well, we're really not supposed to talk about it," Axel whispered.

Zexion rolled his eyes, "Skip all the mysterious crap and just tell them."

"You're no fun," Axel pouted.

"Fanboys usually just stare—"

"Hey, let me tell the story," Axel interrupted Zexion. "As he was saying, fanboys are harmless until they spot you, then, they attack."

Leon nodded, "We know that."

"One year, they had a leader with a fangirl complex." Axel said. "It was horrible. They just attacked suddenly and we weren't prepared. After the fanboys had us under their control, a nearby Brad Pitt sighting distracted them and we were able to free ourselves and retaliate."

"Thank goodness for Brad Pitt," Aerith said with sparkles in her eyes.

Axel laughed, "I thought he was pretty awesome that day."

Leon scowled, "He's still not the best actor on Earth."

Aerith glared at him then returned to her Brad Pitt fantasies.

"...Tom Cruise is better..." Yuffie muttered under her breath.

Aerith's head shot up, "What did you say?" she asked in a eerily calm voice.

Yuffie paled, "Er...nothing, nothing at all. Did you hear me say anything, Cloud? Of course you didn't! I didn't say anything, nothing at all. Haha, silly Aerith."

"Thought so," Aerith said.

The ninja looked around nervously, desperately trying to change the subject, seeing nothing shiny she said, "The weather is...nice."

"I don't know, it's kinda, humid," Leon said.

Cloud squeaked, "No! Anything but humidity!" The blond ran his fingers threw his hair and moaned, "I forgot my emergency hair gel."

Leon and Riku gasped and patted Cloud's shoulder.

Axel handed him hair gel without looking up from the intense rummy game he was playing with Roxas and Zexion.

Cloud frantically gelled his hair, "Thanks."

Axel shrugged, "No prob—HA, RUMMY!"

Zexion and Roxas groaned.

Zexion handed him a wad of munny.

Roxas reluctantly gave the redhead the stash of 'WINNER' sticks he had been saving up.

A tapping was heard on the bricked entrance to the Gray area, everyone ignored it, then a section of the bricks toppled to the ground. Everyone jumped up and summoned their weapons, even Sora woke up and summoned the keyblade, Fenrir.

Leon's eyes widened, Sora was serious.

A guy entered the room, he smiled and said, "Hello...potential prisoners." The fanboy leader had a faint accent. "Isn't the weather nice today?"

"It's at little humid," Leon said.

He nodded gravely and sighed, "Even the best of days can be ruined by humidity...I'm Dante."

Salsa music randomly plays in the background.

The fanboy sighed and face-palmed.

Leon blinked, ignoring the music, "I am Squall Leonhart..." he continued for a long time with the same speech he gave to the fangirl just a couple hours ago.

The fanboy was absentmindedly playing on his PlayStation Portable when Leon finished his speech.

Leon glared at the fanboy and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Playing Crisis Core," the teenager said and yawned.

Leon seethed inside and scowled, Final Fantasy VII always got the most recognition and games, it even had a _movie_. Leon gritted his teeth, he wanted a movie with awesome animation.

"What do you want?" Xemnas asked in a authoritative voice.

"Well, I want a lot of things, Dissidia 012, Sephiroth, the next book in the Kane Chronicles." he said, shrugging.

Cloud gasped in pain.

"Wait, you're a _Sephiroth _fanboy?" Leon asked, his voice laced with disgust.

"Don't say his name!" Cloud said, clutching his chest. "The darkness is overwhelming me like a ebony tsunami."

"The fanboy nodded, ignoring Cloud. The mighty Squall Leonhart, known as Leon, narrowed his eyes and studied the enemy fanboy, a Sephiroth fanboy to be precise," Leon narrated.

Cloud moaned.

"Squall! Quit talking in third person!" Yuffie snapped.

"So...why are you here? Isn't Sephiroth in Hollow Bastion?" Leon asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

Cloud squeaked.

"I've been tracking my silver-haired beauty, he will be here any second." the fanboy said, "The rest of my allies are fans of you, so you will be taken captive also."

Leon gagged.

Aerith clapped, "Yay! I love all my fans!"

The fanboy leader took out a notebook, "Well, I have three Aerith fanboys in my group...and sixteen Aerith haters."

"Why do they hate me?" Aerith asked innocently.

Dante flipped a couple pages forward and said, "This is a quote from one of them, beginning of quote, Aerith kept Zack away from Cloud! It must have been horrible for him to be separated from the love of his life, she must die!, end of quote."

Aerith's eyes narrowed, "Zack is mine!"

"..."

He smiled at her, "Of course Aerith, whatever you say. On a brighter note, my other half will be arriving in five...four...three...two...one!"

A door on the other side of the Gray area burst open in a shower of ebony feathers, One-Winged Angel started playing and Sephiroth glided inside. The door closed with a _bang_, the music ended abruptly.

"Damn," Sephiroth growled, his hair was stuck in the door. He tugged hesitantly and squeaked in pain. He noticed everyone staring at him and snapped, "What are you standing there for? Help me!"

Cloud hurried over to help the evil villain free his precious hair from the clutches of the doorway, he understood that to be a epic hero your arch nemesis had to be in perfect condition.

Dante was frozen in shock, staring at Sephiroth with awe.

"Who's he?" Sephiroth asked Cloud, inclining his head to the petrified fanboy leader.

"Fanboy leader," Cloud said, conveniently forgetting to mention that said leader was a Sephiroth fanboy.

Sephiroth nodded, "I'm just in time to save you then, it seems he hasn't captured you yet." Sephiroth to, understood that to be a epically evil villain your arch nemesis had to be in perfect condition.

Dante snapped out of it and stood straighter, "Ah, you're here just in time for the party, Sephiroth." He snapped his fingers and a line of fanboys walked in, single file, they spread out and restrained a single person each, excluding Cloud and Sephiroth, the mako enhanced hero and villain had two fanboys restraining them.

Everyone fought, but the fanboys had each persons' weakness.

The fanboy restraining Axel had thrown water all over him. Aerith's captor was replaying Zack's death scene, over and over again. All of Yuffie's materia was stripped of her. Saix was happy with his new rawhide bone. The Superior was entranced by the first Star Wars movie on someones iPod.

Dante came up to Sephiroth, "I am Dante, your new companion forevermore."

Sephiroth cringed, realizing the leader was a Sephiroth fanboy. He glared at Cloud and said, "Thanks for the warning."

Cloud smiled sadly, this wasn't going as planned, his arch nemesis needed to be free to pursue him if he was going to be a hero. The blond suddenly had a strike of inspiration.

"To bad, I really wanted to see Leonardo DiCaprio," Cloud said in a downcast voice.

Heads snapped up, "Leonardo DiCaprio, where!"

"He's visiting...Hollow Bastion." Cloud said, thinking of the most violent world for them. He knew Cid would have the fanboy and fangirl traps set up, Hollow Bastion was open to a lot of strange people...but not _anyone_.

All the fanboys turned to their leader.

Dante studied Sephiroth then blew a kiss and said, "I'll be back my love." To the fanboys, he said, "Let's go, we'll come back later. Remember, this is only for Leonardo DiCaprio."

Sephiroth shivered at the fanboy's love.

The fanboys filed out of the room, whispering eagerly.

The room lasped into silence then everyone congratulated and hugged Cloud.

"I can't wait to see them in Hollow Bastion," Aerith said with a wicked smile.

"The tall, dark, and handsome, Squall Leonhart has escaped another life threatening situation without a scratch he vows to make the fanboys eat gunblade if they ever break free again," Leon said.

"I SWEAR, SQUALL, IF YOU TALK IN THIRD PERSON AGAIN I'LL MAIM YOU!" Yuffie yelled.

Leon gasped, quietly he mumured, "But that would mess up my hair."

**Did I end that to quickly? I hope not, if I write anymore tonight it'll turn into just plain bad crack. Guess who's annoying me so much that it's putting my PlayStation 2 in danger of being smashed! Yup, it's Sephiroth, HE JUST WON'T DIE! I'll get him tomorrow... *evil laughter***

**I saw Harry Potter 7 Pt.2 last night/this morning. The only reason I'm up now is because of this wonderful substance called coffee. And the coffee apocalypse—EnAbyss and I's theory. 'Cause so many people drink coffee and it's addicting (believe me I would know). **

**'Till next time people, REVIEW and tell me if the next chapter should be about tonberries or chocobos...which I do not own. :( / :D**


	15. French Bread Fetishes and a Chocobo

**Jeez, I just can't write that one chapter, it's killing me! :( So, here's a filler chapter. It's very Hollow Bastion centric. Hopefully, this'll help me start writing again and I'll have the next chapter up soon.**

**I do not own Kingdom Hearts. **

After the events that took place in the Castle That Never Was, things in Hollow Bastion had changed.

Sephiroth was accepted with open arms (not really) into the town. The mastermind behind this was Aerith.

Cloud's theory was that she didn't have anyone to talk to who understood what it was like to have died. Even so, Sephiroth had to go.

He had later let Leon and Yuffie in on this revelation, Yuffie didn't care, she didn't mind Sephiroth, but Leon agreed with Cloud, he was deeply disturbed that Sephiroth was stealing some of his spotlight.

"Oh, Sephiroth, I'm so glad you're here! You know you can trust me right? I understand how it is to be dead. Now, tell me all your problems," Aerith said.

The truth was, Aerith just wanted to play therapist.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

"I've come up with a plan to rid Sephiroth of Hollow Bastion once and for all!" Leon announced.

"Leon, why are you standing on the table?" Cloud asked impassively.

"Yeah, Fearless Leader, can I stop holding the fan up now?" Yuffie complained.

Leon glared at them both, "Cloud, shut up; Yuffie, keep holding the fan."

She pouted and dropped the fan in Cloud's lap, "Here Cloudy, you can assist His Highness with his photo shoot. I'm out of here, never really understood that thing you have against Sephiroth anyway." she walked out of the room.

_Sephiroth is the ultimate villain, she just doesn't understand because she didn't have to fight the bastard. _Cloud thought darkly. _And he stole what was most precious to me..._

_That ninja doesn't understand anything. _Leon thought to himself, because he couldn't come up with a sentence that summed up Sephiroth's crime without making himself sound conceited. (Which he was.)

"So...this plan of attack?" Cloud asked.

"We confront him." Leon said.

Cloud scoffed, "That's not a plan, that's an idea."

"Seriously, Strife? Do you always have to contradict me?"

"That depends, Leonhart, do you always have to be so narcissistic and vain? Everything you say is about yourself! It drives me crazy..." Cloud yelled and banged his head against the table.

"Of course I do! You shouldn't be complaining, you're aloof and unsociable, it's awkward being around you!"

"I can't believe...you just agreed with everything I said." Cloud moaned weakly.

"I know I'm hard to take in some times, Strife," Leon said almost sympathetically.

Cloud just banged his head head on the wood again.

"Just get over yourself, we have to discuss how we're going to execute my brilliant plan," Leon said.

Cloud snorted, "Maybe you should walk up to him and talk his ear off."

"What would I talk about?" Leon asked, actually considering Cloud's plan.

"Yourself, it would drive him out of town quicker," Cloud said.

Leon glared at Cloud, just realizing that he was being insulted.

Leon smirked deviously, "Really? I think if you walked up to him and spilled your soul to him in that whiney voice of yours, we'd be rid of Sephiroth much faster."

Cloud's eye twitched.

Leon's eye twitched.

They had an epic eye twitching war.

In the middle of the two warrior's epic eye twitching war the door flew open and a panting Sephiroth rushed in, he slammed the door shut quickly and locked up.

Cloud and Leon glared at the silver-haired antagonist for interrupting their epic war.

"Y-you-"

Sephiroth was interrupted by Leon, "I was in the middle of winning something."

Cloud laughed, "You think you were winning? Haha, that's hilarious."

"You know what's hilarious? How closely your hair resembles a chocobo." Leon said snidely.

Cloud's face flushed in anger, "Squally." he retorted lamely.

Sephiroth scowled and swung his masamune in between the two heroes. "Stop squabbling like idiots," he commanded, "I need your help."

Leon quirked and eyebrow, "What would _you_ need out help with?"

A knock on the door made Sephiroth freeze. "Hide me!" he hissed.

Cloud shrugged and pushed Sephiroth in the oven. He didn't take notice that the oven was on.

Leon opened the door. Aerith was standing with her arms folded behind her, she smiled sweetly, "Good morning, Cloud, Leon. Have you seen Sephiroth today, I can't seem to find him anywhere."

"...No." Cloud finally answered.

Her eyes narrowed suspiciously, "Oh, really?"

"...Yeah."

"Hm...do you have any ideas?"

Leon mentally faceplamed at Cloud's lame responses, "He probably terrorizing the towns people."

"Oh, yes, why didn't I think of that? Thank you, Leon." Aerith giggled and left in search of her favorite bloodthirsty villain.

Leon looked over at Cloud, "I'm a genius."

Cloud sneered, "You haven't known Aerith as long as I have, she's damn scary when she wants to be."

"You scared of a flower girl who wears pink." Leon smirked.

"Shut up, Leonhart," Cloud growled.

"You wanna go, Strife?"

A muffled thump from the oven distracted the warriors.

"Oh, yeah, Sephiroth is in the oven." Cloud muttered.

"He probably can't breathe in their," Leon mused. "Should we?"

"Nah, that would be underhanded and dishonorable."

Leon shrugged, "Whatever, he's your archenemy."

Cloud opened the oven with a pole, standing seven feet away.

He ignored Leon when the brunet rolled his eyes and muttered, "Overcautious much?"

Sephiroth tumbled out of the oven coughing and gasping for air, he was slightly smoking. His masamune was drawn and Cloud paused to consider how Sephiroth's ridiculously long sword could fit inside the oven, or how the tall silver-haired villain could fit in the oven himself. Whatever, screw physics, lack of plotholes were for perfectionist freaks like the author, who will claim that Squall and Cloud's oven is magical. Yes, magical, as in unicorns and pixie dust magical. Deal with it.

Sephiroth swiped his masamune feebly at Cloud, "Damn you, Strife," he muttered weakly and coughed.

Cloud cocked his head to the side and studied Sephiroth, "You think I should give him a potion?"

"Nah, that would be crossing a line," Leon answered. "As long as he's conscious to tell us what the hell he wants I'd leave him be."

"Bastard," Sephiroth hissed. "I need to get out of here."

"Well, then why don't you leave, I don't see anything holding you back." Cloud asked.

Sephiroth groaned, "It's Aerith, she has me come to daily therapy sessions."

Leon and Cloud tried to hold back their laughter, it would shatter their stoic and untouchable image, but the failed and ended up on the floor.

Sephiroth was not amused, he glared at the two as they continued giggling hysterically. "Look, are you going to help me or not? I need to get out of this hellhole as soon as possible."

Cloud had sobered up and he scowled at the silver-haired antagonist, "Why should we help you, _thief_?"

Sephiroth gave Cloud a 'you have got to be kidding me' look, "You're really still sour about that, Strife?"

"Yes," Cloud sniffed.

Leon looked lost, "I'm confused."

Sephiroth sighed, "If it means so much to you, I'll give it back, but only when you get me out of Hollow Bastion safely."

"Deal, we'll help you."

"I have the strange feeling that I'm being ignored...b-but that's not possible, I'm too beautiful!" Leon muttered frantically. He latched onto Cloud's arm, "Cloudy, am I still beautiful?"

"..." Cloud shook the brunet of his arm.

"What are you planning?" Sephiroth asked, standing up and dusting himself off.

"It's pretty simple actually, all we need is a cart of flowers, Aerith's pink ribbon, and a baguette." Cloud said, stroking his chin in thought.

Leon jumped up and down, "I've played Crisis Core, I know what we're doing, but what's the baguette for?"

"Oh, the baguette's for Aerith, she has a secret fetish for French bread...wait, you've played Crisis Core?" Cloud asked doubtfully.

Leon's face turned red, "It was for, um...research."

Cloud snorted, "Sure it was. Anyway, I need you to wheel the cart in the middle of town, the ribbon will be strategically placed so she'll find the cart. When she's distracted by the flowers, I'll help Sephiroth sneak out by the Dark Depths."

"What happens if the flowers don't work?" Sephiroth asked.

"We throw the baguette and run."

Sephiroth shrugged, "I don' see anything wrong with it."

"Except for the fact that it's suicidal! She will find us out one day, and then we'll be doomed! I don't wanna die..." Leon sobbed.

Cloud quirked an eyebrow, "Now who's scared of a flower girl who wears pink?"

"At least I can lie to her face. When she finds us out we'll never know it. She'll start lacing our food with cyanide and try to wash my leather. We'll die slowly and be in a perpetual state of misery." Leon fell to the floor clutching his chest dramatically. "Oh, my poor leather..."

Cloud rolled his eyes, "Just get Aerith's ribbon. Then you're done. Oh, and STOP CRYING ON MY SHOES, LEONHART! They're handmade Italian leather!"

Sephiroth coughed awkwardly, "I'll just wait here, then."

Cloud ignored him in favor of ordering Leon around, "Come on, Leonhart, get going. And she better not suspect a thing!" He shook the brunet off his shoe with a scowl.

"What! Can't we just use the baguette to lead her into town?" he whined.

Cloud spaced out for a second and shuddered, "Believe me, you don't want to see what she does to French bread."

"...I believe you, but how the hell do I do that? You know how attached Aerith is to that disgustingly pink thing." Leon buried his face in his hands.

"I don't know, ask Yuffie or something." the blond hero said before walking out the door on his way to get a flower cart and loaf of French bread.

"Yuffie...that's actually a good idea," Leon muttered before sprinting off to find the ninja.

Sephiroth sighed loudly and dealt a game of solitaire.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Cloud erased his face of emotion as he walked into Merlin's without knocking.

The wizard turned away from his chess game with...a broom and said, "Why hello! I'm so glad you joined me today, is there a reason for this impromptu visit. You see, I was just playing chess with my dear friend-"

Merlin was cut off with a glare from the blond, "I need a flower cart. Can you make one."

"Of course I can! Who do you think I am?" He gathered a thick, dusty book and his wand. "Prepare to be amazed." Merlin said smugly. After a mumbled rhyme and a wave of his wand, a flower cart was sitting in the middle of the room.

Cloud would have been impressed, except there was one problem. The cart didn't have any flowers in it, it was filled with weeds. Cloud facepalmed and muttered, "I knew it was to good to be true."

"No, wait, I can do this," Merlin said quickly. "Um, _f__lores florent mortua_!"

The weeds were replaced with wilted and pale flowers; they appeared as if they would die any second.

"Oh, dear...wait, I think I have it this time..." Merlin muttered.

But before he could wave his wand, Cloud stopped him, "No! This is perfect. My thanks." he said before exiting the wizard's with the cart.

"Hm," Merlin shrugged and resumed his game of chess with the broom.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

"No, Yuffie, no way!" Leon shouted, backing away from the ninja.

Yuffie giggled, "It was just an idea Squally."

"There has to be another way..." Leon muttered.

"This is the quickest possible method, it's foolproof!"

"Gah, fine." Leon grumbled and dejectedly went to find Aerith with the ninja trailing behind him cackling and with camera in hand.

He had found Aerith near Merlin's. Yuffie pushed Leon towards her and ran off to find a hiding spot.

The gunblade wielder took a deep breath, "...Aerith."

The healer turned around and smiled, "Hello Leon, have you seen Sephiroth?"

Leon scratched his arm, "Um, no...Actually, I have to tell you something."

Her eyes lit up, "Oh, really. Well that can surely be arranged, why don't you come to my office, we can talk about it there."

"No, I have to tell you now, or I might not be able to gather the courage to again." Leon said awkwardly, _This is all to get rid of Sephiroth. This is all to get rid of Sephiroth. _he told himself. "Aerith," he said in voice choked with emotion, "I love you." He reached out and hugged her.

Aerith stiffened tried to pat his arm in sympathy, "Um, Squall, I'm terribly sorry but I don't have feelings for you...my heart belongs to Zack."

Leon sobbed into her shoulder dramatically, using that time to slip the ribbon from her hair.

"Uh, Leon, could you please let go of me?" Aerith asked nicely.

Leon slowly retracted himself from Aerith's shoulder. "Sorry," he sniffed and walked back to the town square slowly.

When he was out of Aerith's sight, Yuffie sprang on him, "Oh, Squally! That was beautiful. Truly." She held up her infamous camera of doom proudly, "And I collected pictures of the whole thing!"

Leon glared at her, "Yuffie, if you show those pictures to anyone I swear I'll-"

Yuffie cut him off, "Sorry Squally, I always have my shuriken less than a foot away, you'll never get to me!"

Leon's eyes glinted demonically, "I wasn't talking about killing you..."

"...No!" Yuffie exclaimed, "Not my stuffed moogle!" She ran in the opposite direction to protect her stuffed moogle.

Leon snickered darkly.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Cloud studied the flower cart sitting in the middle of the square, he shrugged and cast a Blizzard. The flowers seemed to wilt even more, they looked pathetic.

"I never took you as one to torture flowers," Leon said, "Sadistic bastard."

"Did you get the ribbon?" Cloud asked.

"Yeah, and it was hell," Leon muttered and dropped the pink strip of fabric in Cloud's hand.

Cloud dropped it in the middle of the street right before you turned into the square.

"Is that it?" Leon asked, his eye was slightly twitching for some unknown reason.

"For now, all I need you to do is stay here with the baguette out of sight." Cloud said.

Leon took a step back, "No! I can't do that, the awkwardness would be unbearable."

Cloud raised his eyebrows, "What did youdo?"

"...Uh, ." he muttered quickly.

"Could you repeat that?"

"Agh! I told her I love her! Don't believe me? Yuffie has pictures." Leon ran his hand through his hair.

Cloud snickered, "That's rich."

Leon glared at him and took the baguette, "Never mind, I've decided that it would be sort of fun to hit her with bread."

Cloud suddenly went serious, "Remember, keep the bread out of sight and only hit her if it's absolutely necessary."

"Yeah, yeah, I got it. Now, go, I have to perfect my brooding pose."

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Sephiroth bit his lip in concentration as he filled out the application for a unicorn hunting license. He signed the document with flourish and smiled impishly. Those virgin obsessed brightly colored horses with horns would die at the hands of his comically long sword.

"Get ready to die, Charlie." he muttered as he tucked the paper in an envelope and stuck a stamp embellished with a turkey leg on it. Sigh, left over Thanksgiving stamps were so hard to get rid off. He was slightly doubtful as he penned the address on the face of the envelope; 123 Sesame Street didn't sound like the most legit address.

The door suddenly flew open and Cloud strode in with a scowl set deep on his face.

"Finally!" Sephiroth exclaimed. "Do you know how long I've been waiting? I've already played ten games of solitaire; waxed the ceiling; learned how to swear fluently in Russian; read the dictionary; recited romantic poetry to the toaster; and watched my masamune rust! I just filled out a application for a unicorn hunting license and I need to get it mailed." Sephiroth finished with a chocked voice.

Cloud coughed in the awkward silence and said, "Okay...well, let's scram then, Aerith was on her way to the town square when I was walking here."

"Okay..." Sephiroth said meekly as he followed Cloud out the door.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Aerith sniffed, she had somehow lost her ribbon, but as luck would have it, she found the pink slip of fabric laying on the ground near the town square.

She gasped and clutched the worn piece of sickly pink fabric to the her chest. "Oh, Zack, I had thought I lost you." she murmured affectionately and nuzzled the ribbon.

From a distance, Leon thought he was going to vomit.

Aerith snapped out of her snuggly phase and stared with wide eyes at the flowers. "Flowers," she uttered before sprinting to the ashen blooms. The blossoms seemed to perk up just because Aerith walked up to them. She clasped her hands and cast a healing spell. She smiled warmly as color returned to the flowers.

She stiffened suddenly. "I have a suspicious feeling that someone is trying to escape from my clutches." she said in monotone.

Aerith snapped out of her trance-like state and cried, "To defend the borders!" She turned toward the road to the dark depths and prepared to sprint.

"Crap!" Leon yelled and in a blind panic he threw the baguette in her general direction.

Aerith froze, her nose twitched, "Is that...French bread?" Before you could say 'cheese' Aerith was on that loaf of French bread like white on rice. "Bread..." she breathed in awe. She tentatively reached out and touched the face of the loaf. "It's so beautiful," she said with tears in her eyes.

Leon shuddered and ran away from the town square before he could witness anymore.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

"Okay, we're here."

"You look like you expect something, Strife." Sephiroth said with a smirk.

"My payment." Cloud held out his hand.

"Oh, _that_. How ever could I forget?" Sephiroth asked in a fake innocent voice. He snatched a obnoxiously yellow plush chocobo out of thin air and dropped it in Cloud's hand and left without another word.

Cloud hugged it, "Mr. Cornelius Von Wark de la Amarillo, I missed you."

"...I give up."

Cloud looked up in alarm, he didn't realize Leon had come up behind him.

"I did this all for a stuffed chocobo named Mr. Conrelius Von Wark de la something..."

**I have something against unicorns too, Sephiroth, don't worry you're not alone. XD I hope you liked the chapter, the next one will be Christmas themed! (Just because I'm to lazy to write a Christmas themed oneshot...) Yup, in the next chapter...We are faced with Axel's unnatural obsession with Macy's; Roxas cries and everyone joins him; Zexion buys everyone self help books; and Demyx is...Demyx. Review's are appreciated!**


	16. Bonding Time and Drag Queens

**You know that Christmas chapter, yeah...I LIED. Actually, I have half of it typed up and will probably put it up whenever I finish it. Yes, I'm lazy. Anyone up for Christmas in July? Or May? Or June? I kid, I kid. **

**I've been writing all these angsty fics (and really haven't published any of them), and now I need to write some humor. **

**I do not own Kingdom Hearts or anything else with a copyright that doesn't belong to me. **

"This can't be happening. How did I get into this?" Roxas cried into his hands. "Axel, how did I get into this?" he asked his friend with a high note of desperation in his voice. "I don't want to sell my body!"

Axel rolled his eyes. "You're being dramatic, it won't be as bad as it seems. Besides, it's all for the ice cream, Roxas. Think of the ice cream." he answered, evading an airborne wad of paper while smirking at his vertically challenged friend's distress. He lounged on the leather couch in the middle of the room and dodged another wad of paper thrown in his direction.

"Ice cream, ice cream, yes, ice cream." Roxas cooed. "So yummy...and creamy. The name it's innocent at first and then BAM! you realize how wrong it is..." The blond was pacing in a circle and waving his hands around in odd gesticulations.

"Um...Roxas?"

"Yes, Axel?" Roxas answered with a bright, innocent smile. Damn him and his childlike innocence.

"You're insane," Axel declared, smiling just as bright.

Roxas glared at him and pouted.

A flurry of wads of paper were thrown at Axel in rapid succession. "What the heck was that for, Zexion!" Axel exclaimed, putting his arms up to defend against any impending attacks.

Zexion stood up, breathing heavily and eyes blinded by rage. He held a book in his hands by it's flyleaf, pages were torn and ripped. "They are not siblings! They are not allowed to be related to each other! I refuse to accept this!" Zexion finished, curling into a fetal position on the floor. He rocked back and forth and cried noisily.

Axel and Roxas shared a look, they did not know how to handle an emotional Zexion. Roxas jerked his head toward the sobbing nobody. Axel narrowed his eyes and jerked his head toward Zexion. Roxas repeated the gesture. Finally, after a silent argument and ten games of rock, paper, scissor, Roxas shuffled over to Zexion with a defeated look on his face.

He knelt next to him carefully. Hesitantly, he put a hand on the nobody's shoulder. "Um, Zex...you can talk about if it makes you feel better."

'Lame,' Axel mouthed.

Roxas shot a glare at the obnoxious redhead.

"Okay..." Zexion said, he took a breath and continued, "Well, he just practically admitted his undying love for her and then they kissed and everything was great; then, his father had to prance in and announce that they were siblings and ruin everything! It was horrible! They were clearly meant for each other and the author had to ruin it all. I think she's just trying to torture the readers."

Roxas blinked, he hadn't followed any of that. "Er...so what will help you?"

Zexion shrugged, "I don't know...there's another book, I could read that I guess."

Roxas grinned, his evil blond coming out, "We just have to get you that, then. I bet Axel would absolutely _love_ to bring you to the bookstore!"

Axel looked up from burning the wads of paper Zexion had thrown at him, "What?"

Roxas smiled brightly at Axel. Axel shied back automatically. "You're going to take Zexion to the bookstore, right?"

"I hate bookstores, they're so bor-" He was cut off by the blond's glare of death, and quickly morphed his sneer into a bright smile. "I mean, I love bookstores, they're so fun!" Axel giggled and felt a part of him die.

Roxas felt a part of him die also, probably the part that respected his friend. Men. Aren't. Supposed. To. Giggle.

Axel took Zexion and Roxas by their hoods and dragged them into a dark portal.

**In Barnes and Noble...**

Zexion immediately drifted off from the group to the books. He looked as excited as a school girl at the mall. Or a fangirl molesting her object of obsession. Or a teenage girl who just experienced her first kiss. Or a—well, anyway, you get the point.

Roxas dragged Axel off to a secluded corner that was perfect for a battle to the bloody death, or a innocent game of tonsil hockey, whichever you preferred. It also happened to be the corner where they sold self-help books to sorry people experiencing a midlife crisis. "Why'd you drag me along! Now you ruined it, Axel, you idiot!" Roxas erupted, grabbing his blond spikes with clenched fists.

Axel leaned against the wall and glared at the shorter blond. "You forced me to do this, so of course I was going to drag you along. Misery loves company, right?"

Roxas stomped his foot. "But I had this all planned out!" he whined. "It was going to be Axel and Zexion bonding time!" this was followed by a gesture on Roxas's part.

"What is that?" Axel asked, slightly repulsed for some reason.

Roxas blinked innocently. "You mean Axel and Zexion bonding time?" he made the gesture again. "It is what it sounds like, bonding time between you and Zexion."

"No, I have a pretty good idea what you meant by Axel and Zexion bonding time. And frankly, I don't know why you think Zexion and I would become best friends forever," he said with a scoff. "I'm asking what _this _is." he roughly imitated the gesture.

"Oh, this," Roxas repeated the gesture, "is the embodiment of Axel and Zexion bonding time."

There was a prolonged moment of silence.

"That is the stupidest thing I've heard all day," Axel deadpanned.

Roxas scowled, "Bite me." His eyes widened, "No, wait, don't, you actually might."

Axel scoffed, "Are you calling me a cannibal?"

"Maybe...cannibal."

"That was childish...meanie."

"What kind of insult was that! Lame much?"

"I thought it was a perfectly insulting insult worthy of great praise."

"Right..."

A shush interrupted their banter. The duo turned to see a guy around college age with thick glasses and mild acne. "I'm working on a English essay."

"Sorry," Axel and Roxas muttered in unison.

"Wait...I know you guys!" the college guy stood up, leaving his laptop on the desk, open to a word document.

"Huh?" Axel asked, he was pretty sure he would remember meeting someone like that...Not that he was ugly or anything. He just looked...unique.

Roxas slowly shuffled to hide behind Axel, taking advantage of his friend's amazing ability to become a human shield.

"You guys were passed out in the middle of the road, I remember helping your friend! The short guy," he explained brightly.

Axel suddenly felt very violated, and Roxas moved farther back, to be hidden by Axel more. "Um, sorry but we don't remember."

He shrugged and held out a hand, "I'm Eddie."

Axel shook his hand limply, "Yeah, I'm, uh...Aaron." He gestured behind him to Roxas, "That's Ross." Unbeknownst to Eddie, Roxas punched Axel in the small of his back for the lame alias. Axel staggered a bit but still kept up the charade of semi-normalcy.

"Nice to meet you all, properly this time," Eddie said sincerely. "I have to get going though, English essay."

"Of course, good luck!" Axel exclaimed as he dragged Roxas with him out of the self-help corner of the bookstore as quickly as possible while also being polite. It failed, but if Eddie noticed, he didn't seem offended.

Zexion found the pair huddled over a book, he observed them without alerting them of his presence.

Roxas gasped, "No! He's going to kill her!"

Axel ruffled the younger blond's hair, "Don't worry, there's four books, they can't kill off the main female protagonist in the first book."

Roxas made a noise of irritation, "They could replace her! Or the last three books may just be about the family mourning!"

"I think she's safe, I mean, it'd be crossing a line to make up a character more angsty and dramatic than her," Axel snorted.

Roxas picked up the book and slapped Axel with it, "I like the character."

Zexion tried to catch a glimpse of the cover but couldn't get a clear view. He sighed and stepped forward, startling Axel and Roxas. They jumped up with yelps of surprise and Axel snatched the thick paperback from Roxas's gloved hand. The smell of burning paper filled the small space.

Zexion facepalmed. "Of course you had to do that, Axel, of course."

Axel laughed nervously, "Well, you know me, Zexy...Anyway, how's book shopping?"

Zexion shrugged, "It's okay, I'd love to spend some more time here."

Axel nodded, "That's fine. Hey, we ran into this guy that says he knows you, his name's Freddie or something...maybe Edmund."

"Hm, interesting," Zexion mused.

Roxas shot Axel a look that said, 'you are an idiot'. "His name's Eddie. Do you remember him?" Roxas asked. "We figured he was talking about you when he said 'short guy'." He ignored Zexion's murderous glare.

"Yeah, I remember him. I was just about to tell you guys that you could go anytime," Zexion dismissed the Eddie sighting easily.

A evil gleam flickered in Axel's envy green eyes. "That's great! Roxas needs to be going soon anyway."

"What do you mean?" Roxas asked, befuddlement clouding his features. Roxas paled as realization hit. "Not that."

Axel nodded. "Yes, that." He swung an arm around Roxas's shoulders. "Now come on kid, you're needed in half an hour."

"No! Zexion, save me!" Roxas cried as he reached out for Zexion.

An evil smirk curved Zexion's lips, "Have fun, Roxas." He turned around and walked away.

Roxas fell limp, only Axel's grip on his hood kept him from falling to the floor. "All hope is lost..." Roxas muttered weakly, his voice was slightly raspy, as if he had just been through a terrible 72-hour war. Fighting nonstop, like the mighty warrior he is...Ok, he was basically just being a melodramatic teenager, kind of like he was in the game.

**In the Castle that Never Was...**

Axel, with Roxas's form being dragged behind him, walked through a portal into Roxas's room. He tossed Roxas onto the messy bed and sauntered to the closet, a satisfied smirk settling on his face. "You have the uniform in here, right?"

Roxas groaned from his facedown position on the mattress.

Axel shrugged and started shuffling through the various articles of clothing in the closet, taking the grunt as a grunt of confirmation. He stopped suddenly and slowly turned to Roxas. "Um, why do you have a dress in here?" his voice was surprising small.

Roxas shot up. "It's not what you think it is! I'm not that type of person!"

Axel gave him a look that begged for explanation. He seriously wanted to erase all thoughts of his best friend going around in full out drag. The image was becoming tangible in his mind. Why did Roxas fit the image of a drag queen whoring himself out on a street corner in a red light district so well?

Axel shook his head, deeming the question fit for a day when greater mental capabilities were available. Maybe he'd ask Zexion.

Roxas sighed, "Fine, it is what you think it is." He reared up, "But I'm still not that type of person. It was all Naminé."

"The Nobody that lives in the tower?" doubt laced Axel's tone.

"Yeah, her. She came here and forced me into that...thing!" Roxas shouted, disdain piercing his tone as he named the aforementioned dress.

Axel snorted, "Please, come up with a slightly more believable story next time, Naminé is completely harmless. Don't peg you eccentric fetish with dressing up in women's clothing on a innocent person."

"You don't believe me!" Roxas asked, slightly hurt though he would never admit it.

"No way, kid," Axel said as he continued going through the closet, the offending dress sitting discarded to the side. It's pink sequins glimmering slightly in the light. A cry of victory came from inside the closet as Axel emerged with a garment bag clutched tightly in his hand. He tossed it at Roxas. "Put it on."

"No."

"I tell everyone about the dress."

Roxas scowled and wordlessly stripped down. He shoved his legs into the suit and zipped it up, shoving his feet into ridiculous red shoes simultaneously. Finally, a large obnoxious wig was shoved over his head, hiding his blond spikes completely.

Axel grinned sadistically and attacked Roxas's face with makeup. He had no idea how bad he looked, he didn't even look in the mirror as he passed.

"It'll be fine, just remember the ice cream. It's only for two hours, you might even be able to eat cake!" Axel chirped.

Roxas grunted darkly. Telling Axel that two hours was a very, _very_ long time when spent in hell, and cake wasn't desirable enough to make him happy. Yes, this was all told in a grunt, Roxas was madly skilled with grunting and Axel was madly skilled with reading Roxas's grunts.

Axel shrugged, giving up on showing the bright side to Roxas. Instead, he just shoved him into a dark portal with a wave and, "Remember to smile!"

Axel smirked and walked out to the kitchen. He took one of the sea salt ice cream bars he had hid from Roxas and joined Demyx to watch The Little Mermaid.

**Two Hours Later**

Roxas stumbled out of a dark portal in the Gray Area. His costume was torn in multiple places and his make up was severely smudged. The wig was clutched in his hand, missing multiple clumps of multicolored hair. He smacked Axel awake with the blunt end of his Keyblade, which was dented in a few places. Suspicious clumps of what was probably hot pink icing were scattered across the object.

Axel groaned, "Ow, don't be so harsh, Brittany. You always abuse me!" He stiffened as he recognized Roxas.

"Who's Brittany?" Roxas asked, forgetting his rage and traumatizing fear for a moment.

Axel looked down at a stain on the floor, "No one."

Roxas's eye twitched.

Axel smiled sheepishly and changed the subject, stopping this from becoming an epic eye twitching war. Aw. "So...how was it?"

Roxas switched into full melodramatic mode as he described what had happened. "Then...then, they tried to rape me! Rape me, Axel! It was horrible!"

"I seriously doubt that, Roxas, aren't they like, five?" Axel deadpanned.

Roxas's eyes widened. "You don't understand, look at my Keyblade!"

"Dirty, Roxas."

"Just look at it." He shoved the weapon in Axel's face.

Axel frowned, the dents were real and the icing was still splattered on the sides. The Keyblade looked sad. Like it was defeated by a crowd of five year olds, and Axel knew how dangerous small children where...

"Fine, I believe you."

Roxas sighed, "Finally. Any chance you believe me about the dress?"

"Nope."

"Figures. Well, I'm never doing that again. Even though I did get munny, and that's key to consuming conspicuous amounts of sea salt ice cream."

"There's other ways of earning money, you didn't have to dress up as a clown and act as some five-year old's entertainment at his birthday party."

"Shut up, Axel, it sounded promising."

"Promising...not a word I would use but...eh."

"I will seriously stab you with my Keyblade if you don't shut up."

"Fine, but you didn't have to be so dirty about it."

**Finally! You are done, little chapter that I've ignored for the last few months. Thanks to everyone who read this, and didn't abandon me. :) You guys are amazing. And yes, Axel and Roxas were indeed reading Twilight:) **

**Thank you for the review on the last chapter StarlightBreaker, MarleneShadowheart, Regardless1604, and marialoveszexion. I'm sorry I didn't publish when I told you I would, marialoveszexion. Please forgive me, everyone! **

**So, reviews are greatly appreciated. I don't really have any ideas for future chapters, so, suggestions are welcome. And remember, this is a crack fic, so if you tell me you want to see some fire-breathing zebras with purple hats, I will...consider fire-breathing zebras with purple hats. :)**

**Oh, I won't name the series that Zexion was reading, because if you _do_ read it. (because it is absolutely amazing) that would totally spoil the end of the first book. But if you really want to know, ask and I'll tell you. I bet some of you can guess it anyways:)**


	17. Who's Becky? Why Does Roxas Care?

***Stares at the TV in awe* Yes! Ashton Kutcher, you shaved off that detestable beard! I love you all over again!**

***clears throat* Well, beside the fact that Ashton Kutcher shaved off that blasphemous piece of facial hair, there's other good news...Yes, I did write a another chapter and there are fire-breathing zebras with purple hats. ;)**

**Enjoy! I do not own Kingdom Hearts, the socks on my feet (they're my sister's), the jacket I'm wearing (my mom's), etc. **

"Hi, Roxas!" Demyx greeted cheerfully. He stepped up to Roxas with a smile.

A deep growl rose in Roxas's throat as he narrowed his icy blue eyes. He pulled the cooler that he was toting closer to his chest.

Demyx back away slowly, his hands up in surrender. "He-he, good, Roxas. Don't kill me," he squeaked.

Roxas relaxed when Demyx was a comfortable distance away from the cooler. "Good morning, Demyx."

Demyx bounced on the balls of his feet, Roxas's previous behavior dismissed. "I actually had a question for you. What's he doing here?" Demyx pointed behind him at a figure that was polishing his sword on the end of the couch. Take note that the sword was ridiculously large, to the point of comical, yet very cool...

"Oh, him." Roxas ran his hand through his hair. "He said he was hiding from some, quote, 'homicidal lunatic with a ridiculous sword and gun hybrid and Italian leather pants'."

"Hmm..., I wonder who that could be," Demyx mused.

Roxas shrugged, "Who knows."

"Yeah, that sounds like almost everyone around here," Demyx agreed.

"I know." Roxas nodded in agreement. "Well, I have to get going."

"Same, bye," Demyx waved madly and skipped off in the shining light of a magical rainbow. Various animals joined him in his skipping venture. An especially odd pair of zebras in purple hats joined the end of the pack, spewing fire from their mouths spontaneously. The herd, including Demyx, disappeared in a shining pixelated rainbow on account of Nyan Cat trailing behind them.

Wait...

Roxas shook his head, he had to be seeing things. And Setzer said those drugs wouldn't give him any long-lasting side effects dammit...

He popped the cooler open and took out a bar of creamy deliciousness otherwise know as sea salt ice cream to common people who had not tasted it's sensational nectar.

That sounded dirty.

Roxas licked idly on the bar of ice cream as he made his way to his room. The cooler of sea salt ice cream was promptly hid away under his bed. He had stocked up with the money earned by selling his body—I mean, acting as entertainment at a five year old's birthday party.

As Roxas made his way to his room, he was stopped by Leon, wielding his gunblade with a mad glint in his eyes. "What are you doing here?" Roxas questioned.

"I'm looking for a brooding, suicidal idiot with a death wish, see any?"

"Nope, sorry." Roxas watched as Leon stalked off with a tired sigh. These people needed to start giving better descriptions, that described over half of the Organization. He shrugged and went into his room.

The door was immediately locked and the curtains drawn tightly. He opened the cooler and dug around in the mound of sea salt ice cream bars. He grinned as his fingers found what he was looking for. A crisp, new paperback was clutched in his hand.

No one could find out about this. Ever. Nor could they ever find out about the multiple TV seasons stashed securely under his bed. After reading all four Twilight books in less than seventy-two hours, Roxas had been introduced to the wonderful world of teen fiction when he was looking for a book to sate his lust for vampires and awkward teen romance. Or maybe it was just the awkward teen romance, the series he was currently reading didn't have many vampires...

He kicked the cooler to the side, completely disregarding the sea salt ice cream for the moment. He flopped lazily onto the bed and immediately started reading, hungrily tearing through the pages.

Mmm...stolen kisses under a park tree. Designer clothes. Awkward teen lust/love. It was amazing.

He was interrupted by a tap on his shoulder. Roxas yelped and scrambled backward on the mattress, stuffing the book under his pillow.

Axel stood there with a bewildered expression. His hand still frozen in a wave.

Roxas blinked and reddened, "How did you get in here!"

"Um...a portal?" It sounded like a question even though it wasn't really one.

Roxas cursed, he had forgot about that. "What do you want!" Roxas demanded.

Axel backed away slowly, "Erm, I was going to invite you for sea salt ice cream but..." Axel flinched at the look on Roxas's face. "Icanseethatyouarebusysobye!" He shot out of the room, red hair flying behind him.

Roxas stared at the door in silence for a moment before asking, "Am I really that scary?"

_Yes, Roxas, you really are._

Roxas looked up in alarm but all was silent. He shook his head, "Damn Setzer and his drugs."

He tried to read more but couldn't concentrate. Were Blair and Nate together or not? Gah, this was so frustrating! He finally decided to see if Axel had left for Twilight Town.

Roxas took a dark corridor to Axel's room. In the hallway, he heard odd noises coming from inside, it sounded like...crying? Roxas shook his head and pressed his ear to the door, listening intently.

"Becky..." Axel moaned, bursting into fresh tears. Roxas hastily back away from the door, falling into the opposite wall and sliding down to the floor. His eyes were horror stricken. The one Organization member, who he had looked up to when he was an idiotic newbie who didn't have a good judge of character, was crying. About a girl. Named Becky. Roxas kinda wanted to erase the past five minutes from his memory and live in blissful ignorance but then considered the information.

Who was Becky anyway? Axel had only mentioned her once, and he was pretty sure that was purely accidental. The thought churned in his mind. He was going to find out who Becky was, no matter what. And the perfect person for the job was the notorious Schemer himself. Zexion would surly be able to find out who this 'Becky' figure was.

**Later...**

"Zexy!"

"Ah!" Zexion screamed, plummeting off the couch. He groaned.

A blond head popped over the back of the couch and gazed at him in concern. "You didn't recognize me?" he asked, sounding a bit hurt.

"You screamed in my ear, of course I did, Roxas," Zexion explained, rubbing the back of his head.

Roxas frowned, "I don't know if I should be insulted or happy that you recognized me."

Zexion snorted, then winced.

"What are you watching?"

Zexion looked up at the TV screen, it showed a couple in a heated argument in front of an generic park scene. He shrugged, "I've been reading, the television was on when I sat down." He looked down at the book in his hands, _The Odyssey_, and sighed, the page hadn't been marked when he had fallen down.

"Good, 'cause it'd be out of character for you to watch these cliché high school dramas where stereotypes rule all, but it'd be stunning blackmail material..." Roxas mused.

The Cloaked Schemer gave the plotting Thirteen a wary glance. He knew that look meant that the young blond was up to no good. But of course, Roxas was never up to any good, so why was he so suspicious...

Roxas's eyes widened, "Oh, my, Luke and Rachel aren't together anymore," he murmured.

"What'd you say?" Zexion asked.

"Nothing. Who's Becky?" Roxas asked suddenly.

"No clue." Zexion gazed at him oddly. "Who is Becky?"

Roxas scowled and put his hand on his hip, going into full story-telling mode, he said, "Well, you see, when I got back Axel woke up asking about Becky. I want to know who she is."

"Why don't you ask him?" Zexion asked dryly.

Roxas groaned, "That defeats the purpose. I don't want him to think that I care."

"But you do."

"Yes."

"Just ask him Roxas, we all know you aren't as heterosexual as you believe yourself to be," Zexion muttered, rolling his eyes.

Roxas gaped at Zexion. "That is so mean! I can't believe you, I'm not going to talk to you for the rest of the day because of this!" He stalked off to his room.

Zexion could hear a door slam and loud, sobs. He snorted and went back to his literature and soon threw his the said literature at the TV, which was now showing a still of a teenage girl crying over a pregnancy test.

What the hell, she looked fifteen...

Never mind. Roxas's information had Zexion curious. He didn't know if she was someone from his past... Bingo. Zexion made up his mind quickly and ran to Axel's room, just after picking up his precious book, of course. Though, on the way there, he ran into Cloud.

Quite literally actually. Zexion, now sitting on the floor in front of Cloud, glared death at him. And by death, I mean the full nine yards. Raging hellfire, pitchforks, and shimmering butterflies of many colors.

For Cloud, it was the butterflies that really hurt him, he physically jerked back when he saw them in Zexion's eyes. Damn...scary.

"What do you want?" Zexion rasped, picking himself up with a scowl.

Cloud frowned as he looked down on him. "Have you seen a homicidal lunatic with a ridiculous sword and gun hybrid and Italian leather pants?" he said in monotone.

"Italian leather, you say?"

Cloud only nodded solemnly.

Zexion took on a thinking pose that made him look like a stuck-up asshole, but nonetheless, helped him think. "Hm, nope. Everyone I know wears Canadian leather."

Cloud nodded and walked away.

And yes, the Organization wore Canadian leather. They were kinda cheap, eh?

Okay, okay, no more crappy Canadian jokes.

Zexion thought about casting a portal to Axel's room but decided to keep running. Besides, that would just be admitting defeat, but if he ran into someone again...

"Dammit!" Zexion yelled as he was thrown onto his bum again. Yet, using a portal would still be admitting defeat.

Leon stood above him, his eyes narrowed into thin slits. "I'm looking for a brooding, suicidal idiot looking for a death wish. He's also wielding a ridiculously large sword."

"Does he have blue hair?" Zexion asked, Saix's claymore instantly coming to mind.

"No..."

"Then, no, I have not seen anyone of that description."

Leon scowled and marched off, swinging his gunblade over his shoulders. "I'm too beautiful to have to deal with all of this aimless wandering. This is work for some short male protagonist with a hero complex and unrealistic spiky hair, and a ridiculous weapon for good measure..."

Zexion left, yet again, heading to Axel's room.

**Maybe if you put the book away...**

He scowled and stuffed The Odyssey in the deep pockets of his Organization cloak. "No time for smart assing, Lexicon."

There was no reply.

Zexion kept walking with purpose but...it was taking so long, and his short legs were tired from moving so much. He felt like he was going to collapse...

This. Is why the Organization used portals. They were simply a group of severely out of shape villains.

Zexion crawled to Axel's door. He huffed and collapsed on his back as he started his heroic monologue. "For several minutes, and several seconds, Zexion, formerly known as Ienzo, number six of Organization XIII, has made a journey full of hardships involving homicidal lunatics with expensive leather pants, and brooding emo boys with a death wish, this journey would even ruffle a chocobos feathers..."

He continued on with his monologue, including run on sentences that would make any person who respected the English language cringe, references to cute and furry or feathery animals that dominated the Final Fantasy franchise, and great over exaggerations. Basically, it was a speech worthy of Squall Leonhart.

"Er...Zexion?"

Zexion looked up to see Axel hovering over him with a frown on his face. Axel's spikes were in foil and he was wearing a fluffy red bathrobe. Chocobo slippers were on his feet, practically daring Zexion to say anything with their beady, plastic eyes.

"What?" he asked scowling. "I was in the middle of a heroic monologue of my epicness."

"Oh, sorry, just one question."

"Yes?"

"Why are you laying in front of my door?"

Zexion paused. "...Um..."

"Oh, I know, you're here so I can cry on your shoulder about my miserable life, right! That's great, I was waiting for you." Axel dragged Zexion into his room by his shoulders and started gushing right there and then.

"...and then...and then, the heartless died. It was so sad because it was so cute! Then, I realized that in killing the heartless, I had scratched Becky!" Axel sobbed, clutching one of his chocobo slippers to his chest like a stuffed animal.

Zexion had been resisting the urge to obliterate Axel after he hugged him. He was sitting as stiff as a board, not used to any sort of affection or breaches of personal space. "Becky?" Zexion asked suddenly, snapping his gaze up to study Axel.

Axel sniffed and blotted his nose with the slipper. He summed a single chakram and held it out. "Look, she was scratched."

A little dark line was present on the metal. "Axel, that's dirt."

"What?"

"That's just dirt, you can rub it right off." For emphasis, Zexion reached over and brushed the dirt off the weapon.

Axel looked alarmed. "You mean all this time I could have just...wow."

"And did you seriously name your chakram Becky?" Zexion asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yup," Axel nodded.

Zexion sighed and walked toward the door, massaging his temple. "Excuse me, but I'm going to go bash my head against a wall."

"Okay!" Axel said brightly. "Have fun, Zexy!"

**And the identity of Becky has been revealed! Was it to anticlimatic, or was it satisfying? And what's Roxy's secret? Will it be exposed? **

**I kept writing 'Squall' instead of 'Leon', it annoyed me so much. And I couldn't let myself write 'Leon Leonhart' I seriously flinch whenever I read that.**

**MidnightAngel2010, Regardless1604, StarlightBreaker, Satheroth335, and RedChain were my lovely reviewers from the last chapter:) Thanks a bunches to them, and the others who've read, reviewed, added my story, alerted. Huggles all around! Oh, you don't do hugs? Then suck it up because you're getting hugged! Unless you really hate me that much...nggh. **

**Drop a review, won't you? Come on, the review button is begging to be pressed. (Yeah, it's kinky like that.)**

**Don't know when the next chapter will be up, but I still have a few suggestions from reviewers/private messengers and new suggestions are always welcome!**

**Oh, yes, and I'd absolutely _LOVE_ it if you check out my stories on Wattpad! Those things have drawn me away from the wonderful world of fanfiction but I'm especially proud of Quotes by Socrates. Because fanfiction is all anti-link now, I'd think it'd be easiest just to go to the wattpad homepage and look me up, same username and everything. **


	18. Never Trust a Moogle with an Eye Patch

**Short chapter because I'm writing this at my friend's house and I'm busy with Homecoming tonight:) Longer update soon, about half of it is written. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts. **

"Purr for me, purr kitten! Mwa-ha-ha-haha!" Zexion shook his head and cleared his throat. "I mean, get off of me. Now. Scat."

Roxas walked in to the Gray Area, eyes red like he had been crying over high school TV dramas based in Beverly Hills all night. "Was there a cat?" he asked, a slight sniffle in his voice.

Zexion scoffed. "No. I don't like cats." And he really didn't. Zexion detested them ever since that time with the cat, linebacker, and painted canvas of the Swiss Alps...  
>But that's a story for another time.<p>

Roxas shrugged and collapsed on the couch. He tugged the afghan that Luxord had knitted over his body and cuddled in it. The poor blanket looked like a Neoshadow had coughed it up. The badly knitted Nobody emblem looked more like a charred potato.

He turned on the TV with the remote and switched it to the channel of his liking.

Zexion gave Roxas a weird look for his choice in television programs but brushed it off. He looked like he was having a bad day anyway.

Now that his form of entertainment was gone, Zexion was forced to watch the screen. He rolled his eyes as couple were conversing about breaking up. Zexion suddenly heard muffled sobs and looked up in surprise.

Roxas was bawling. Big, fat tears ran down his face. He hiccuped pathetically and wiped at his eyes vainly trying to stop the tears.

Zexion walked out of the room stiffly. It was one thing to witness a fellow conspirator watching feminine TV dramas, but crying over them was too much. Especially for Zexion and his lack of emotion.

Zexion took a portal to Hollow Bastion as soon as he was out of the room. He put his hood up as he stepped out. He enjoyed just walking around and arousing suspicion and paranoia. He smirked wickedly to himself.

As he was walking down the road, something suddenly barreled into him. He fell to the stone with a yelp.

"HA! I got you, you Organization scum!"

"Yuffie?" Zexion asked nervously. He gulped.

The materia. Would she remember?

Yuffie looked down at him, her hands on her hips and a cocky smile on her face. She unmasked him and immediately frowned. "Craaaap! You're the _other _short one," she grumbled.

"Excuse me?" Zexion scowled.

"I was looking for the other short one. Ya know, blond hairy that's sort of spiky. Kind of looks like Sora...Oh my gosh! It's a moogle!" She looked toward the end of the street where a shady looking moogle with an eye patch was selling his wares.

Whatever was in his burlap sack didn't look wholesome and typical like the bags full of weapons and potions that moogles usually had. And it looked like it was squirming...

"Why are you looking for Roxas?" Zexion asked, shifting uncomfortably under her weight. She was still on top of him and he was still splayed on the street.

"Sora wants him," she replied simply, continuing to stare at the suspicious moogle.

Zexion frowned. "For what?"

She shrugged.

Zexion sighed. "Can you get off of me then. If you're not going to be useful..." he muttered under his breath.

"Oh, sure!" She rolled off of him and jumped to her feet. "The Great Ninja Yuffie is going to patrol the city and defeat malicious heartless like a bad ass!" She bounded off into the street, cartwheeling and...falling, but getting to her feet in record time.

Zexion stood up with a groan. He looked down the street but the moogle had moved on. He cursed, he had really wanted to see what was in the bag.

He walked briskly down the street. Because running would look to unprofessional...yeah, it's not like he wasn't in shape or anything...

The moogle kept disappearing around corners. With a growl of aggravation, Zexion broke into a run. Just when he was about to collapsed due to exhaustion (about twenty yards later) he finally caught the moogle. "Wait!" he wheezed.

The moogle turned to him, his eye patch making him look strangely harmless and shady at the same time. "What 'd'ya want?"

Zexion took a moment to regain his breath before he spoke again. "What are you selling."

"Shadows," the shady moogle answered shortly. He took the squirming creature out of the bag and held it up for Zexion to see. "150 munny."

Zexion straightened. It was just so helpless. Small. And...

Cute.

Zexion threw some munny at the moogle and carefully took the creature from it's grasp. "Its. So. Adorable." He cuddled it to him and stroked it slowly.

The moogle rolled it's eye and floated away. It's pom pom bouncing idly.

The shadow looked up at Zexion with it's bright, soulless eyes and bit him.

Zexion just smiled at it's useless attempt to injure him. "Aw, kitty. You're so cute."

**Zexion, I knew deep down inside your black hole of a chest cavity, there was some sort of heart for...heartless things. **

**I would like to thank the reviewers on the last chapters for their input, you guys make me feel so loved:) Thanks to: Schemer of Oblivion, Starlight Breaker, TearsToScarlet, Regardless1604, and to the random 'Guest', according to Axel, Becky appreciates your compliment. **

**Reviews are greatly appreciated! Thanks!**


	19. Featuring Riku and Sora

**This chapter skips from character to character a lot. I hope you don't get confused, but look! It's a longish one:)**

**Usual disclaimers apply. Enjoy!**

"Cloud, we meet again," Leon muttered coldly, a manic glint in his eyes.

Cloud simply unsheathed First Tsurugi and adopted a ninja pose. He was very silent, not letting any emotion show on his face.

A chilling evil laugh escaped from Leon's throat as he slowly brought his gunblade from his back.

But something was off...

Just as the brooding hero and the maniacal gunblade wielder were about to go at it, a mysterious voice called out, "Is that a chainsaw!?"

Yes, in fact, Leon's gunblade had been modified to include a chainsaw. So now it could technically be called a chaingunbladesaw.

Cloud looked unimpressed by the new weapon. "Please, mine splits into six parts."

"Kinky."

"I know." Cloud gave Leon a serious look, daring him to object. "Now, let's get this started."

"Hells yeah," Leon said and threw his gunblade/chainsaw thing off to the side. Boyfriend by Justin Bieber came on over the speakers that never were. It was a mystery as to how the speakers got there in the first place but since the speakers never were, technically, they never existed. Now, let's move on and ignore the fact the World that Never Was and everything on it was an epic paradox.

"Chillin' by the fire while we eatin' fondue," Leon's rapping was similar to the howls of a cat in pain, just a tad bit toned down. "I don't know about me but I know about you. So say hello to falsetto in three, two, swag."

As Leon erupted into the chorus, he started dancing. As in the type of dancing that made you simply wanted to gouge your eyeballs out and boil them. In bleach.

The music abruptly stopped and Cloud gave the gunblade...er, gunblade/chainsaw wielder another unimpressed look, but really, deep inside, Cloud thought that was the best dancing he had ever seen.

But Cloud was better and he knew it. So when Stand Up by One Direction came on, he danced with complete confidence.

Demyx walked out with his arms crossed once the music had ended. "Okay guys, that was good but it wasn't..._bazam!_ You know what I mean..." He sighed and scratched the back of his neck. "It just needs to be a bit more..._bazam!_"

Leon and Cloud gave Demyx dry looks.

"So you're saying..." Leon started.

"That we need more..." Cloud continued.

"_Bazam!_" Demyx finished.

Leon and Cloud exchanged a look. They started advancing upon Demyx, weapons raised.

"Wow. Chill guys," Demyx's voice cracked. He started backing up, his palms out in front of his chest. "I meant no offense. You were just lacking _bazam!_ Wait. Guys. Stop." Demyx was backed up into the corner. "Guys!"

"Oh my Kingdom Hearts. You're so amazing," Roxas whispered. His breath hitched. "You're going to take responsibility and help her through her pregnancy. You convinced your parents to pay for everything."

Thirty minutes later...

Roxas through his keyblade at the TV screen. It bounced off harmlessly. "You're such a selfish jerk! You just wanted to send her away and make her sign that contract so you wouldn't have to deal with the consequences and your perfect reputation would still be intact! I don't care how pretty you are, I hate you now."

Later...

"You're such a great person. I know you're going to be an awesome mother. He should be forever in your debt. You deserved to throw his name out there and ruin that rep of his!"

"Roxas..." Zexion said as he walked in the room via portal.

Roxas yelped and impaled the TV with his keyblade. "What do you want?!" he asked, his voice pitched.

Zexion regarded the TV with little interest. It was just a typical Roxas according to him. "I've found out who Becky is."

Roxas sat up straight. This would be even more interesting than what was going to happen in the next episode. Was Becky an old lover? An illegitimate child? Maybe a long-lost sibling...

"She's his chakram."

"What?" Roxas's voice broke. "That's seriously anti-climatic!"

"And stupid," Zexion muttered.

"It's so boring!" Roxas pouted. "I'm going to watch some more of my show." He turned to Zexion. "Get out?"

"Why?" Zexion asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Because I want to watch my show!"

Zexion pointed to the broken TV. The keyblade disappeared and the cracks spread further. A few seconds later, it was a mess of parts on the floor.

"Um..."

"You could always watch TV in the Gray area," Zexion suggested.

"But...but I."

"No one will be surprised when they find out that you watch cheesy teen dramas. I think you'll be safe. Luxord might even sit down with you..." Zexion mused.

Roxas's head snapped up. "How do you know about that?"

"I know everything," Zexion said in a mysterious tone before he disappeared in a flash of lighting.

"Damn Schemer..." Roxas muttered. He sighed. He didn't really want to deal with the ridicule from the other members...So, he'd read his novel.

Roxas smiled and fished under his pillow for his book. It took quite a while. Roxas stored many things under his pillow, some even considered it magical.

Axel ran to the kitchen, taking a final leap to the freezer. He threw the door opened and tore through the contents of the compartment. Pot pie, ice, pot pie, pot pie, more pot pie, a family sized pot pie, mini pot pies. Axel paused to consider who had the pot pie obsession but gave up soon and returned to his epic search of the freezer. Corn, chicken, beef, broccoli, pot pie, pork, ham, pot pie, and an unidentifiable substance in a freezer bag that closely resembled vomit.

Axel swore so colorfully that a sailor would be offended. A lightbulb could be seen lighting above his head, then it blew a fuse and caught on fire. Poor lightbulb. Axel ran down the hall and crashed through the door to Roxas's room.

Roxas himself was sitting on his bed with a dog-eared book in hand. He yelped and hid the worn book under his pillow, "What are you doing here, Axel!"

"Ice cream, Roxas, ice cream! Tell me you have it, please!" Axel cried and sunk to his knees. His body shook with silent tremors, "I haven't had any fresh sea salt ice cream in days and I can't take it anymore. Xemnes won't let me portal to Twilight Town, I've tried thousands of times. Someone ate the last bar I was saving here, I'll kill that bitch." His eyes darkened momentarily.

Roxas had gone on guard the moment Axel mentioned sea salt ice cream, "Does this have anything to do with that kid you stole ice cream from?"

Axel rolled his eyes, "The kid's a wimp, she took it to hard."

"Then her mother smacked you with her purse and made a big scene," he snickered. "You were screaming for mercy on the pavement. What's with you and stealing ice cream from three-year olds anyway?" Roxas asked, then his face twisted in disgust, "Wait, don't tell me, I have a feeling I don't want to know."

"She was taunting me! That little child was in on the conspiracy!"

"You think the world is conspiring against you." Roxas stated dryly.

"They're all out to get me, Roxy. Only you and a handful of other people are loyal." His head jerked to face Roxas, red spikes slicing the air, "Unless...you're in on this to, Roxas."

Roxas arched an eyebrow, "And what would I gain from conspiring against you, Axel?"

Axel narrowed his eyes in thought, slipping into a part of his mind he scarcely ventured. "You would gain my extensive collection of water bottle labels."

"...Um, okay," Roxas was starting to look freaked out. "Just wondering, are you going to be leaving soon?" he asked, his fingers reaching toward the battered novel under his pillow.

Axel smirked, "No. Wha'cha readin', Roxy?"

Roxas blushed and avoided his eyes, "Nothing."

Axel grinned wickedly and reached under Roxas's pillow, "So you won't mind if I look under here?"

Roxas smacked his hand away, "Go away, and when did I start allowing you to call me Roxy anyway?"

Axel chuckled as he thumbed through the paperback.

Roxas's jaw dropped, "How did you get that?"

"I'm freakin' talented, Rox," Axel boasted.

"Gah, nicknames, they're painful." Roxas groaned.

"Holy crap, are you seriously reading _Wuthering Heights_, Roxas?" Axel laughed. "Zexion will love to hear about this!" Axel ran out of the room with the book in hand.

Roxas stood up, "Hey, Axel, get back here now! I want my book!"

"Sea salt ice cream, Roxy, it's all about the ice cream!" Axel yelled back, his voice echoing in the hallway.

Roxas scowled and opened the freezer in the closet he kept his ice cream in. It was empty except for a few pot pies (what the heck?), Roxas barely remembered eating the last bar on a ice cream binge just a couple of days ago. "Nooo! I want my corner, but Axel is getting away!"

He was suddenly grabbed from behind. A hand covered his mouth and his arms were tied behind him. A dark portal opened up and consumed him.

"Demyx! What happened to your face?" Axel frowned. "Did you run into a door again, because you really can't keep doing that."

Demyx groaned, his voice was muffled due to his swollen face. "Clou' an Leon beat me uhh." He held a frozen pot pie up to his black and blue face.

Axel snorted. "What did you possibly do?"

"I told them they din't have enough _vazam!_"

"Ah," Axel nodded in understanding, he understood Demyx's slurred speech. "That's the problem. You don't tell Leon/Squall Leonhart and Cloud Strife that they don't have enough _bazam! _They both starred in their own video game, they think they're all that."

"But'h they're so oldth!"

"I know! Like, twentieth century."

A gunshot rang out. Axel and Demyx froze. They slowly turned to stare at the bullet hole in the wall.

"They heard us..." Axel breathed, he turned on his heel and flashed down the hall.

Demyx let out a high-pitched squeal and dropped the partially thawed pot pie. He turned and ran into a dark portal, yelling, "Runth! Runth away!"

Xigbar stepped in and picked up the pot pie with a wicked grin on his face. "That'll teach 'em," he proclaimed proudly, shouldering his arrow gun and sauntering away.

"Riku! Why'd you tie him up?"

"Because he was being difficult."

"You didn't give him any warning, did you?"

"..."

"Thought so."

"It was...dangerous territory, Sora."

Roxas groaned and shifted. His feet and arms were bound to a chair. "Is there a bag over my head?" he asked in annoyance.

The cloth was lifted and Roxas looked around. Sora was waving and smiling stupidly while Riku glared at him with his arms crossed. "What's going on here?"

Sora vaulted across the room and squeezed Roxas in a way that you would choke a heartless. "Because I missed you!"

Riku rolled his eyes. "I'm going to go skin something for dinner. Flay it alive...watch it writhe..."

"Be careful!" Sora chirped, he had moved to stroking Roxas's hair while the said blond fumed.

"I'll wear a hair net," Riku assured with a nod before stalking out of the room, the Soul Eater appearing in his hand.

"What do you want Sora?" Roxas choked. "Can you untie me?"

"Oh yeah!" Sora summoned his keyblade and carelessly hacked away at Roxas's bounds.

Roxas flinched. "Don't cut my hands off!"

"Why? They're one of your worst features," Riku growled as he came in with two skinned animals strung up on a stick.

"What is that?" Roxas asked, distracted from inspecting his hands for any signs of imperfection, because Roxas was beautiful and he knew it. Countless people had told him...wait. No, make that one. It was Axel who had said that in a bout of temporary insanity.

"Squirrels."

"Where are we, in the middle of a forest?"

Sora and Riku started laughing. "No, silly! Those are island squirrels, we're on Destiny Islands."

Roxas's eyes widened. "No...no. No, no, no, nonono!" He lept up from the chair but fell because his ankles were still bound. "Get me out of here! I'm to young to face these terrors!"

Riku blinked and looked up at Sora. "If he breaks anything..." He took a violent chunk out of one of the squirrels, still raw.

Roxas was struggling with his bonds and crying on the floor. "Don't let them take me! Please!"

**to be continued...**

**just kidding, i'm still here...**

"Demyx, I think you can come out now. They're gone."

"No! I'm s'noth comin' uut." Demyx yelled from inside the spear of water. His voice came out even more garbled with the additional water muffling his voice.

Axel sighed and ran his hand through his spiked hair. "Whatever. I need to go find Roxy."

"Are you goin' ta tell hm yu burned'th his book?"

"I did not burn it! It's only singed." Axel held up the blackened book as 'evidence'. "I just want ice cream and to squish the blond demon child in a hug. He's so precious when he screams."

Demyx eyed Axel carefully and disappeared before Axel could turn back to him.

"Oh. He's gone." Axel sighed again. "If I don't get any ice cream soon, I'll be spilling all my secrets...I must find the short one..."

Twenty minutes later, Axel burst into Xemnas's office. "Xemnas! I must find...oh, it's the short one!"

Zexion shot Axel a glare. "Excuse me?"

"Axel." Xemnas sighed and looked down at his desk miserably. "Take a seat, you and Zexion can take care of this together."

Zexion began to protest, but decided against it last minute. He wanted to be on Xemnas's good side...

Axel sat in the chair next to Zexion and put his feet on the edge of Xemnas's desk. Xemnas's eye twitched but he said nothing. He took a breath and paused for the suspense of the moment before blurting out, "Roxas was kidnapped."

A chorus of gasps filled the air. Xemnas, Zexion, and Axel looked around to see who was there. The room was empty except for the three of them.

"Who was he kidnapped by? Was it that giant pink bunny I saw lurking around the entrance?" Axel asked.

He received blank stares. Xemnas cleared his throat and shuffled a stack of papers on his desk. "Um...no. It was actually a figure clad in black. He stepped out of a portal and grabbed Roxas before taking him back into the portal. We have no way to trace where he is now."

"He used a dark portal?" Zexion inquired.

"Yes. Do you know who he is?"

"I have a hunch."

"Good. You both have the mission of finding and retrieving Roxas. His captors need to be identified, and if possible, brought back alive."

"Are you telling me that we can kill them?" Axel asked with a maniacal grin stretching his face.

Xemnes gulped and covered it with a cough. "Only if completely necessary. Now...LEAVE!"

Axel and Zexion raced out of the room. "Damn! Why does he do that to me!?" Zexion moaned.

"Do what, Zexy?" Axel asked as he slung an arm over Zexion's shoulder.

"Make me consort with idiots," he hissed as he ducked under Axel's arm. "Follow me so we can get this finished quickly."

A dark portal opened up and Axel followed him inside. When they came out, Axel asked, "Are we on Destiny Islands?" He turned around. "Zexion...Zexion?"

Axel sighed. "Damn, I probably said something strange. I really need sea salt ice cream." A bright blue object caught his attention in the distance. "There it is!"

Zexion allowed himself to laugh evilly as he stepped through the portal into Hollow Bastion. Axel would never find him now, and he would find Roxas and receive all the credit from the Superior!

There was also another reason Zexion wanted to be alone...

"Kitty..." Zexion murmured dreamily as the shadow bounded into his arms. He stroked the heartless idly as he walked around Hollow Bastion.

The world was strangely quiet. All the shops were closed and no one could be spotted in the street. Zexion suddenly had the feeling that he was the only person there.

He marched up to Merlin's house and was frozen in place by the note on the door.

It read: _Not in now! We're at Destiny Islands if any assistance is needed!_

Down below in a different script was: _If you're looking for a good time call Squall at... _But Zexion ignored that part. Because he was a professional and professionals didn't feel the need to write _Squall Leonhart's_ number down just for the sake of having _Squall Leonhart's_ number.

Zexion just committed it to memory. He didn't write it down, so it was still professional.

Then he realized that...AXEL WAS IN DESTINY ISLANDS AND WAS GOING TO TAKE CREDIT FOR FINDING ROXAS!

**Yeah, this is going to be a two parter. Did you love it? Did you hate it? Do you want me to write something in? If so, review! **

**And thanks to my reviewers on the last chapter...Schemer of Oblivion, Lincolnthearcher, Regardless1604, and StarlightBreaker. I'd give you guys my soul if I had one...**


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